Science

This machine is subject to breakdown during periods of critical need. A special circuit in the machine called a "critical detector" senses the operator's emotional state in terms of how desperate he or she is to use this machine.

The "critical detector" then creates a malfunction proportional to the desperation of the operator. Threatening the machine with violence will only aggravate the situation. Likewise, attempts to use another machine may cause it to also malfunction. (They belong to the same union.) Keep cool and say nice things to the machine. Nothing else seems to work. Never let anything mechanical know you are in a hurry.

A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an airplane. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away and tries to sleep.

The Programmer persists and explains that it's a real easy game. He explains, "I ask a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5. Then you ask a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you $5." Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep.

The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "O.K., if you don't know the answer you pay me $5 and if I don't know the answer I pay you $50!" Now, that got the Engineer's attention, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" Then Engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the Programmer $5.

Now, its the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?" The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the Engineer and hands the Engineer $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 turns away and tries to return to sleep.

The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well what's the answer to the question?" Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the Programmer, turns away and returns to sleep.

Here is a list of the ways professors here at the American University grade their final exams:

Dept Of Statistics: All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.

Dept Of Psychology: Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.

Dept Of History: All students get the same grade they got last year.

Dept Of Religion: Grade is determined by God.

Dept Of Philosophy: What is a grade?

Law School: Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.

Dept Of Mathematics: Grades are variable.

Dept Of Logic: If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.

Dept Of Computer Science: Random number generator determines grade.

Music Department: Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note ( and - would be sharp and flat respectively).

Dept Of Physical Education: Everybody gets an A

1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED - We are still pissing in the wind.
2. EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM - We just hired three kids fresh out of college.
3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION - We know who to blame.
4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH - It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.
5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED - We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.
6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE - The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING - We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.
8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED - The only person who understood the thing quit.
9. IT IS IN THE PROCESS - It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.
10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT - Forget it! We have enough problems for now.
11. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL - Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.
12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING - We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.
13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION - I can't wait to hear this bull!
14. SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS - Come into my office, I'm lonely.
15. ALL NEW - Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.
16. RUGGED - Too damn heavy to lift!
17. LIGHTWEIGHT - Lighter than RUGGED.
18. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - One finally worked.
19. ENERGY SAVING - Achieved when the power switch is off.
20. LOW MAINTENANCE - Impossible to fix if broken.

Katz's Law: Men and women will act rationally towards each other only after all other possibilities have been exhausted.

Churchill's Commentary on Man: Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.

Sattinger's Law: It works better if you plug it in.

Cahn's Axiom (aka Alien's Axiom): When all else fails, read the instructions.

Beckhap's Law: Beauty times brains equals a constant.

Cole's Axiom: The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.

Jone's Motto: Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.

The Ultimate Law: All general statements are false.

Knight's Law: Life is what happens to you when you're making other plans.

Krueger's Observation: A taxpayer is someone who does not have to take a civil service exam in order to work for the government.

Benchley's Law of Distinction: There are two kinds of people in the world; those who believe there are two kinds of people and those who don't.

Harver's Law: A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.

Rule of Accuracy: When working towards the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer.

Finagle's First Law: If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

Finagle's Third Law: In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.

Rudin's Law: In crises that force people to choose among alternative courses of action, most people will choose the worst one possible.

Ginsberg's Restatement of the Three Laws of Thermodynamics: You can't win.

You can't break even.

You can't quit.

Quantized Revision of Murphy's Law: Everything goes wrong all at once.

O'Toole's Commentary: Murphy was an optimist.

Murphy's Constant: Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.

Firestone's Law of Forecasting: Chicken Little only has to be right once.

Ralph's Observation: It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize you are in a hurry.

Murphy's 3rd Military Law: Friendly fire ain't.

Murphy's 4th Military Law: The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.

Murphy's 5th Military Law: The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it.

Murphy's 6th Military Law: The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.

Murphy's 7th Military Law: The farther you are in advance of your own positions, the more likely your artillery will shoot short.

Murphy's 8th Military Law: Incoming fire has the right of way.

Murphy's 9th Military Law: If your advance is going well, you're walking into an ambush.

Murphy's 10th Military Law: The quartermaster only has two sizes, too large and too small.

Murphy's 11th Military Law: If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.

Murphy's 13th Military Law: The only thing more accurate than incoming fire is incoming friendly fire.

Clarke's Third Law: Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

Weiler's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

Peter's Placebo: An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance.

Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labour: People are always available for work in the past tense.

Grossman's Misquote: Complex problems have simple, easy-to-understand wrong answers.

Ducharme's Precept: Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.

Perkin's Postulate: The bigger they are, the harder they hit.

Conway's Law: In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired.

Stewart's Law of Retroaction: It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

Horngren's Observation (generalized): The real world is a special case.

Shirley's Law: Most people deserve each other.

Gold's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Colson's Law: When you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

Comin's Law: People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.

Mencken's Metalaw: For every human problem there is a neat, simple solution; and it is always wrong.

Sevareid's Law: The chief cause of problems is solutions.

Thoreau's Law: If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intention of doing you good, you should run for your life.

Gerrold's Pronouncement: The difference between a politician and a snail is that a snail leaves its slime behind.

Hane's Law: There is no limit to how bad things can get.

Alan's Law: All things being equal, you lose.

Science definitions from Kids...

H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.

To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.

When you smell a oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

Water is composed of two gins, oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

Three kinds of blood vessels are: arteries, vanes, and caterpillers.

Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.

The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.

Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.

A supersaturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is that it is something to hitch meat to.

A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.

The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends towards the Moon, because there is no water in the Moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the Sun joins this fight.

A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

Equator: a managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.

Germinate: to become a naturalized German.

Liter: a nest of young puppies.

Magnet: something you find crawling all over a dead cat.

Planet: a body of earth surrounded by sky.

Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot.

Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

For a nosebleed, put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.

For a dog bite, put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.

For a head cold, use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.

To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"

The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

Two molecules are walking down the street and they run in to each other.

One says to the other, "Are you all right?"

- No, I lost an electron!

- Are you sure?

- I'm positive!

Today they're leading a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine.

They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate. The priest says that he would like to face up so he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.

Next the drunkard comes to the guillotine. He also decides to die face up hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. So they release the drunkard as well.

The engineer is next. He too decides to die facing up. They slowly raise the blade of the guillotine, when suddenly the engineer says: "Hey, I see what your problem is!"

MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET
Workplace Hazardous Materials Information System

Substance: Woman
Manufacturer: God
Typical Size: Average weight 115lbs.; specimens can vary from 90 to over 200 lbs.
Occurrence: Large quantities found in urban areas and shopping malls.

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Surface Tension--soft and warm.
2. Exposed surfaces usually cosmetically enhanced.
3. Boils at nothing.
4. Freezes without reason.
5. Melts with special reason.
6. Flavor initially sweet, becomes bitter if used incorrectly.
7. Found in various states of purity from virgin metal to common ore.
8. Yields to pressure applied to specific points.
9. Sometimes enlarges alarmingly with age.
10. Even brief linking with male substance can cause substance to reproduce with marked physical and mental changes.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Has affinity for gold, silver, and precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. Highly volatile for reasons not clearly understood.
4. Verbal activity greatly increased by alcohol saturation.
5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known (See HAZARDS, #3)

COMMON USES:

1. Highly ornamental.
2. Relatively brief exposure can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Pleasurable companion until legally owned.

SUBSTANCE VERIFICATION:

1. Pure specimen turns bright pink when observed in natural state.
2. Turns green when compared to better specimen.

HAZZARDS:

1. May explode spontaneously without cause.
2. Illegal to possess more than one specimen at a time.
3. Avoid specimen contact with plastic credit cards: Normal