Police Jokes

Cop coming upon a young couple making out....

- Cop: What the hell are you two doing?

- Boy: See honey, I told ya cops were stupid.

The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet when a policeman ran up to help. "My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!" the shaken man told the cop.

"The car hit you from behind," the officer said. "How could you tell it was your mother-in-law?"

"I recognized the laugh!" he replied.

This elderly woman passed a police van loading up the girls from a local brothel, and as she passed by, she asked one girl what the lineup was for. the girl shrugged and said, jokingly, "cough drops" and snickered.

Just then the cop approached the old gal and said, "What are you doing here, m'am?"

The woman pulled herself up to her full height oF 4'4 and replied, "Well, I can suck em can't I?"

The new metro cop pulled a speeder who was zipping down Maple Avenue.

"Can I see your license and registration, bub?", the cop inquired.

"But officer," the fellow started, "I can explain..."

"Shut yer trap, bub!" snapped the officer. "You're going downtown and sit a while till the sarge gets back."

"But, officer, I think you really should know..."

"And I said to shut yer trap! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the cop looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the sarge is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," shot back the sap in the cell. "I'm the groom."

A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner." No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner!" Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"

"Pretty good," replied the veteran, "especially since this was a bus stop."

A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to "enforce the laws pending." He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said, "Looks like you've had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?" The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden.

The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington state hunting license?" The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington state hunting license.

The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's an Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho state hunting license?" The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho state hunting license.

The warden took a third duck, conducted the same finger test, and said, "This here's an Oregon state duck. Do you have an Oregon state hunting license?" Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license.

The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to the hunter and said, "You've got all of these licenses, just where the hell are you from?" The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said "You're so smart, YOU tell ME!"

What language do the Vatican Police speak?
→ Pig Latin!

A Lutheran minister is driving down to New York to see the radio show and he's stopped in Connecticut for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

And the minister says, "Just water."

The sheriff says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

And the minister looks down at the bottle and says, "Good Lord, He's done it again!"

Did you hear that all the toilets at the police station were stolen?
→ Yeah...the cops got nothing to go on.

Mr. Richman has 3 daughters. Their names are nobody, somebody and crazy.

One day nobody and somebody are fighting over a fake eyebrow. Then crazy when to the policeman and she said "Nobody and Somebody are fighting" Then the policeman look at her then he said "What are you talking about?" Then she said again "Nobody and Somebody are fighting" Then the policeman said "What? Are you crazy?" Then she said "Yes but how did you know my name?"