Police Jokes

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed.

However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"

"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man. "Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch all the fish?"

How do prisoners in jail talk to each other?
→ With their cell phones!

What do you call 47 people sitting around a TV watching the Playoffs?
→ The Dallas Cowboys

How many players did the Cowboys dress for their last game?
→ 22. The rest dressed themselves.

What's Jerry Jones' biggest concern?
→ Does bail money count against the salary cap?

What do you call a drug ring in Dallas?
→ A huddle.

Four Dallas Cowboys are in a car. Who's driving?
→ The police.

Why can't Michael Irvin get into a huddle on the field anymore?
→ It is a parole violation for him to associate with known Felons.

I understand Chicago is trying to sign Michael Irvin. They got rid of the refrigerator and now they want a coke machine.

The Dallas newspapers reported yesterday that Texas Stadium is going to take out the artificial turf because the Cowboys play better on "grass".

The Dallas Cowboys adopted a new "Honor System". Yes, your Honor, No, your Honor.

The Cowboys had a 8 and 8 season this year. 8 arrests, 8 convictions.

The Cowboys knew they had to do something for their defense, so they hired a new defensive coordinator; Johnny Cochran.

What's the difference between a Cowboys fan and a baby?
→ Eventually the baby stops whining.

A woman in Dallas calls 911. When the officer answers the phone the woman is hysterical and tells the cop that a man has just broken into her home and she thinks he intends to rape her. The officer explain that they are just extremely busy at the moment and tells her "Just get the guy's jersey number and we'll get back to you."

A brunette and a blonde were speeding down the street when they passed a cop.

"Oh no!" cried the brunette. "Is he following me?"

"Yep," replied the blonde.

"I'm going to drive down this little side road, okay?" said the brunette.

"Yep," replied the blonde.

"Is the cop still following me?"

"Yep."

"Is his lights on?"

"Yep, nope, yep, nope, yep, nope..."

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

Here's a little bit-a-dis and a little bit-a-dat:How can you tell the Irish guy in the hospital? He's the one blowing the foam off of his bedpan. ===========================Why don't Italians have acne? It slides off. ==========================Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a black baby? They named him Sum Ting Wong! ==========================What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horses behind? A Mechanic. =========================What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A Speech Impediment! =========================What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast? They're hiring. =========================Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek? Because they're not going to work in the future either. =========================Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? He walks around saying "Yo!" ========================Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar. ========================How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs? NONE- "He fell". ========================Q. How do you make a cat drink? A. Put it in a blender, and strain off the fur. ========================Q. Why do Jewish men like to watch porno movies backward? A. They like the part where the hooker gives the money back. ========================Q. What is the first thing a blonde hears in the morning? A. "See ya." ========================Q. Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided? A. The survivors were marooned. ========================Q: What do Jimmy Hoffa and Linda Tripp have in common? A: Nothing... yet. ========================

I give all of these people a DUH! - DOH! - & Woo-hoo!

HANDS-DOWN WINNER OF THE IDIOT CORPORATION AWARD! AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. (Let that be a lesson to him!)

WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS! Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting out to give himself up. (No one ever said you had to be "smart" to be a cop.)

NOW THIS SOUNDS LIKE IT WAS PLANNED OUT WELL... NOT! An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank account. (Maybe he should have pretended to have a brain!)

WHEN YOU THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY... READ THIS Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..." (...hmmm, could this be the Illinois guy?)

NOW THIS IS WHAT I CONSIDER A DEDICATED CROOK! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him. (Wonder if he paid himself time and 1/2 for the overtime?)

I WANNA BE A BRAIN SURGEON WHEN I GROW UP! In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain. (After his hospital stay, he was immediately enrolled in law school!)

FOOT IN MOUTH... UP TO THE KNEE! Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "That's not what I said!" (Turns out, the witness was Blonde and didn't pick him!)

NOT THE SHARPEST KNIFE IN THE DRAWER! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun but unfortunately he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (Banks should keep Monopoly money on hand for these bright crooks.)

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out.

She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading my book," she replies as she thinks to herself, "Is this guy blind or what?" "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?" "But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I will charge you with rape," snaps the irate woman.

"I didn't even touch you," growls the sheriff. "Yes, that's true ... but you have all the equipment ..."

Moral: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read!

A driver tucked a note under her windshield wiper and dashed off: "I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses."

Returning, she came back only to find a parking ticket and this note: "I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. . . Lead us not into temptation."

Investigating a purse snatching, Brunswick, Georgia, detectives picked up a man who fit the thief's description and drove him back to the scene. He was told to exit the car and face the victim for an I.D. The suspect dutifully eyed the victim, and blurted, "Yeah, that's the woman I robbed."

Elsewhere...

In Nashville, they tell of Fred "Bubba" Johnson, the burglar who fell asleep on the sofa of the home he was robbing, only to be awakened by police. Meanwhile...

In Thibodaux, Louisiana, a robber with a thick Cajun accent couldn't get restaurant patrons to understand his demand for money. Frustrated, he whipped out his gun, but it wouldn't fire. Grabbing the cash register, he ran -- but got only three feet before falling down. The register was still plugged into the wall... Unplugging it, he tried again, but a regular diner decked him and called police. And...

In Rhode Island, cops were sure they had the right guy when the suspect in a string of coin-machine thefts proceeded to pay his $400 bail...entirely in quarters. Stranger yet....

Texas authorities, responding to a store robbery, seized a man who was fleeing naked. When asked about his choice of attire, he said he'd stripped after the job because he figured his clothes would make him identifiable. . .

In the Heartland...

Lawrence, Kansas - Officers tracked a midnight thief who prided himself on his running speed by following the red lights on his high-tech tennis shoes. . .

And Finally. . .

In Virginia, a janitor went to great lengths to avoid I.D. in a 7-Eleven robbery, using a ski mask and rental car for the occasion. But he also wore his work uniform, which said "Cedar Woods Apartments" and had his name, Dwayne, stitched across the front. . .