Police Jokes

There were once four kids, Poop, Shut Up, Manners, and Trouble.

Poop was riding his bike and fell. Manners went to help him up. Trouble got lost. Shut Up goes to the Police Station to report it.

- Officer: What's your name?

- Shut Up: Shut Up.

- Officer: What's your name?

- Shut Up: Shut Up.

- Officer: For the last time, WHAT'S YOUR NAME?!

- Shut Up: Shut Up!

- Officer: Are you looking for Trouble?

- Shut Up: Yeah, we lost him about 2 miles back.

- Officer: Where's your Manners?

- Shut Up: Back there pickin' up Poop.

There are three guys named Manners, Shutup, and Crap.

They were really bored, so they decided to run a race. During the race, Crap fell down, and Manners stopped to help him. But Shutup ran so fast the police caught him. Here's how the conversation went:

- Police Officer #1: What's your name?

- Shutup: Shutup.

- Police Officer #2: Where's your manners?

- Shutup: Back there picking up Crap!

It's the day after Christmas and young Johnny rides his new bike up to a stop light where a policeman on his horse is waiting for the light to change.

The policeman looks over at Johnny and says, "Got that bike for Christmas, sonny?"

The youngster responds, proudly, "Ya, Santa brought it for me."

The policeman then proceeds to write the young fellow a bicyle violation ticket for not having a reflector on the back bumper and hands it to him saying, "Well, next time you better tell him to put a light on it."

Johnny looks at the citation, looks back up at the cop and says, "And did Santa bring you that horse?"

Humouring the youngster, the policeman answers, "Why, yes, he did."

To which Johnny responds, "Well, next time you better tell him to put the dick underneath the horse, not on top."

One Day The President was out jogging without his guards.

All of a sudden a man with a ski mask jumped out from behind some bushes with a gun.

The masked man said "Give me all your money!"

Unwilling to do so, the President said, "You can't do this, I'm the President!" The man then replied,...

"Oh, never mind then. Give me MY money!"

A man driving on the highway is pulled up by a police officer on a bike.

The officer says, "Pull over," and the driver pulls over to the side of the road.

He says, "I'm sorry, officer, was I speeding?"

The police officer says, "No, mate, but your wife fell out of the car a mile back."

The man replies, "Oh, that explains it. I thought I was going deaf!"

Two drunks are driving down the road drinking beer. All of a sudden they see a police car lights flashing in the rear view mirror. "What are we going to do?" asks the drunk passenger.

"Don't worry, I know what to do. Peel the label off your bottle and stick it to your forehead. Let me do all the talking."

They pull over and the cop gets out. "May I see your license and your registration?" he asks. The guy gives him his license. "Have you been drinking?" "No officer. We haven't."

"Well, you were weaving back and forth. Are you sure you haven't had anything to drink?" the officer asked.

"I swear officer. I haven't had a sip."

"Well, why do you have beer labels on your foreheads?"

The man answers, "These aren't labels. We are alcoholics, and we're on the patch."

12. Hey, wasn't your daughter a porn queen?
13. I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!
14. If I bend over, will I still get a ticket?
15. No, offi, offic, lucifer . . . I'm not as think you are drunk I am. I swear to dog.
16. No, I don't know how fast I was going. The little needle stops at 110 mph.
17. Back off, Barney, I've got a piece.
18. Want to race to the station, Sparky?
19. I know I was weaving, but I was trying to hit all the little green men!
20. On the way to the station let's get a six pack.
21. You'll never get those cuffs on me. . . You Homo!
22. Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
23. No, YOU assume the position.

A Border Patrol agent is on duty. He spots two Mexicans and stops them. They show him their papers, but he thinks they are phony.

He tells them, "Okay, I have a test for you. I want you to use the words liver and cheese in a sentence."

So, the first guy says, "I made a liver and cheese sandwich for lunch."

The agent says, "That was good, you can go. What about you?" he asks the second guy.

He says, "Liver alone, cheese mine."

This man had been having a few beers down at the neighbourhood bar. It was dark out and he was walking home by a park when nature called so he stepped behind a hedge to relieve himself. To his and their surprise a couple were going at it on the grass and he almost stepped on them. The guy got up and took off running.

The man could see the naked outline of the gals bare legs as she continued to lie there while he relieved himself. He could feel his interest grow as he finished. Without a word he got down on his knees between her legs and took advantage of the situation. She embraced him and showed her willingness.

Just as they were both getting into it hot and heavy a cop walked by and shined his flashlight on them saying, "What the hell do you think your doing, this is a public park."

The man said, "But officer this is my wife."

The officer said, "Oh, I didn't know she was your wife."

The man said, "Neither did I 'till you shined your light on her."

An old lady was knitting as she was driving down the highway. A police officer drove alongside her car and yelled, "Pull over!"

The lady yelled back, "No - mittens!"