Mom/Dad Jokes

A little girl came running into the house crying and miserable from a small cut she just received. She asked her mom for a glass of cider. "Why do you want cider?" asked Mom. "To take the pain away," sobbed the little girl. Tired of all the tears, Mom poured her a glass. The little girl immediately put her hand into the drink. "It doesn't work!" she yelled. "What do you mean?" asked Mom. "Well," sniffed the little girl, "I overheard my sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."

Two brothers, ages 6 and 8, decide they are old enough to start cursing. Sothey plan to use dirty words the next morning at breakfast. The 8-year-oldsays he'll use the world HELL and tells the 6-year-old to use ASS.

Well, the next morning they head downstairs for breakfast. And when theirmother asks them what they want, the 8-year-old says, "Ah, Hell, I'll havesome Fruit Loops."

Shocked, the mother wheels around and backhands him on hischair, sending him screaming back upstairs. She then turns to the 6-year-oldand says, "What are you going to have?" He replies, "I don't know, butyou can bet your ass it ain't gonna be Fruit Loops."

Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried to concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game with friends and relatives. His father tried every way possible to get Johnny to occupy himself...television, ice cream, homework, video games...but the youngster insisted on running back and forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held.

The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to quit the game and all go home. At this point, the boy's uncle stood up, took Johnny by the hand, and led him out of the room. The uncle soon returned back to the poker table without Johnny, and without comment the game resumed.

For the rest of the afternoon, little Johnny was nowhere to be seen and the card players continued without any further interruptions.

After the poker game ended, the father asked Johnny's uncle, "What in the world did you say to Johnny? I haven't heard a peep from him all day!"

"Not much," the boy's uncle replied. "I just showed him how to masturbate."

A young teenager comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?"

"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it. "But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?"

A six year old comes crying to his Mother because his little sister pulled his hair.

"Don't be angry," the Mother says, "Your little sister doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts."

A short while later, there's more crying, and the Mother goes to investigate.

This time the sister is bawling and her brother says...

"Now she knows."

10 year old Timmy comes home from daycare and tells his mom that he thinks his babysitter is gay.

"Whatever makes you think THAT?!!?" says mom.

Timmy replies, "Because his dick tasted like shit!"

- Homer: Boy, you don't have to follow in my footsteps.

- Bart: Don't worry, I don't even like using the bathroom after you.

- Homer: Why you little -- !

A blonde came running home to her mother, sobbing and hysterical.

"What's wrong?" her mum, (another blonde) asked.

"My boyfriend's just dropped me!" wailed the blonde.

Her mother nodded wisely and started to tell her all about the birds and the bees.

"No mum," the blonde interrupted. "You don't understand - I can fuck and suck with the best of them, but he says I can't cook!"

The boss called one of his employees into the office. "Rob," he said, "you've been with the company for a year. You started off in the post room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice-chairman. Now it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?"

"Thanks," said the employee.

"Thanks?" the boss replied. "Is that all you can say?"

"I suppose not," the employee said. "Thanks, Dad."

I finally found a woman like my mom. This woman:

• Acts like her!
• Looks like her!
• Smells like her!

So I took her home my father doesn't like her!?!!