Mom/Dad Jokes

A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."

The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.

He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"

"I don't like her."

A family was having dinner on Mother's Day. For some reason the mother was unusually quiet. Finally the husband asked what was wrong.

"Nothing," said the woman.

Not buying it, he asked again. "Seriously, what's wrong?"

"Do you really want to know? Well, I'll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother's Day, you don't even tell me so much as "Thank you."

"Why should I?" he said. "Not once in 15 years have I gotten a Father's Day gift."

"Yes," she said, "but I'm their real mother."

One day a wife complained, "This wall clock almost killed my mother today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch."

The husband grunted and replied, "The darn clock always was slow."

"Daddy?" the kid asked his father. "Where did I come from?"

"Ask your mother," he replied.

"I did," the kid said. "But I don't think she was telling the truth. She said I came from a bucket."

"Hmmmm," chuckled his dad. "That's about the size of it?"

Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its willy, points to it and says, "Mummy, what is that long thing?" His mother replies, "That, son, is the elephant's trunk." "No, at the other end."

"That, son is the tail." "No, mummy, the thing under the elephant." A short embarrassed silence after which she replies, "That's nothing." The mother goes to buy some ice-cream and the boy, not being satisfied with her answer, asks his father the same question.

"Daddy, what is that long thing?" "That's the trunk, son," replies the father.

"No at the other end." "Oh, that is the tail." "No, no daddy, the thing below," asks the son in desperation. "That is the elephants penis. Why do you ask son?" "Well mummy said it was nothing," says the boy. Replies the father: "I tell you, I spoil that woman ..."

Pappy sees Elmer walking with a lantern and asks, "Where ya going boy?"

The son smiled and replied, "I'm a-going courting Peggy-Sue."

The Father said, "When I went a-courtin', I didn't need me no dang lantern."

"Sure Pa, I know." the boy said. "And look what you got!"

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Worse: With corrections

Good: Your son's finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Worse: So are you

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Worse: You're in them

There was this boy in high school that was what you would consider a nerd. Anyway he had his own lab in the basement of his home and one night he came up and said "Dad look what I made." So he poured a flask of fluid into a pot of soil and instantly grass started to grow.

Of course his dad was really impressed with this and asked his son if he can make something to make his penis grow.

His son thought for a minute and said that if he did then dad would have to buy him a convertable.

Dad agreed. The next night the son came out of the basement and gave his dad a vial. The next morning his father came to him and told him that he had something to show him. They went to the front yard and the boy saw a cherry red ferrari.

The son looked at his dad and said "I only asked for a convertable."

The dad replied "the convertable is in the garage. The Ferrari is from your mother."