Mom/Dad Jokes

A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night goes to his mother with the following question: "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his mom and goes off to double-check this with his father. "Dad why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says... "Son, all household appliances come in white!"

Little Johnny is passing his parents bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in the Act.

Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims, "Oh boy! Horsie ride! Daddy can I ride on your back?"

Daddy was relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, he agrees.

Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping.

Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"

The girl admitted under parental questioning that she was pregnant, but couldn't say who was responsible.

"All right!" bellowed her Mother, "you march yourself to your room, and don't come out until you can give us a definite answer."

Later that nite her voice rang down the stairs. "Hey Mom, I think I have an idea now."

"I should hope so!" the Mother responded. "The very idea that any daughter of mine could get pregnant, let alone not know the father."

"Chill Mom." the girl said. "I got it narrowed down to the band or the football team!"

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't." "Don't what?" Adam replied. "Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve...we got Forbidden Fruit!" "No way!" "Yes, WAY!"

"Don't eat that fruit!" said God. "Why?" "Because I'm your Father and I said so!" said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants. A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry.

"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the First Parent asked. "Uh huh," Adam replied. "Then why did you?" "I dunno," Eve answered. "She started it!" Adam said. "Did not!" "DID so!" "DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.

Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is a reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.

When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says "not yet." A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says "not yet."

Finally they say, "When can we see the baby!?"

And the mother says, "You'll have to wait until the baby cries." And they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"

The new mother says, "because I forgot where I put it!"

A doctor was holding a new baby that he had just delivered.

The baby looked up at him and said, "Are you my father?"

The doctor said, "No, I am the doctor that delivered you." Then the doctor handed the baby to the nurse.

While the nurse was cleaning the baby the baby looked at the nurse and said, "Are you my father?"

The nurse said, "No, I am just the nurse." Then the nurse gave the baby to the new father.

The baby looked at him and said, "Are you my father?"

The new father said proudly, "Yes! I am your father."

Then the baby started poking his father in the forehead over and over again and said, "So how do YOU like it?!"

Little Susie was Mommy's helper. She helped set the table when company was due for dinner. Soon, everything was on, Mr. Smythe the guest came in, and everyone sat down.

Then Mother noticed something was missing....

"Susie, dear," she said, "You didn't put a knife and fork at Mr. Smythe's place."

"But, Mommy, I thought he wouldn't need them," explained Susie. "Daddy says he always eats like a horse!"

A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."

The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

There was a man who traveled all around the world. Every city he stopped in he would buy something for his mother and send it to her. On one such stop he found a parrot that spoke thirty different languages. He immediately bought it and sent it home to his mother.

A few days later he calls his mother. "Did you like the parrot?" he asked her. "Oh yes," she replied. "It was delicious." "WHAT!" the man cried. "You ate it? That parrot wasn't for you to eat! It spoke thirty languages!"

The mother paused for a moment and then said, "So why didn't he say something?"

For the second time in a row, I was forced to impose on the woman with whom I carpooled to our children's soccer practices. I phoned and explained that my husband had the car again, so I wouldn't be able to take my turn.

A few minutes before she was due to pick up my son, my husband showed up. Since it was too late for me to call and say I could drive after all, I asked my husband to hide the car in the garage and to stay inside. I also explained to my son that he shouldn't mention anything about his father's whereabouts.

Unfortunately, my husband forgot and was in front of our house chatting with a friend when my carpool partner arrived. When my son returned from practice, I asked him if she had noticed.

"Yes," he replied, "she asked me which of the two men in front of the house was my father. But don't worry. I told her I didn't know!"