Military Jokes

Why does the Navy put Marines on board ships?
→ Because sheep would be too obvious

What has an IQ of 42?
→ 40 Marines plus their lieutenant

A general calls a colonel:

- Do you have a couple of smart majors?

- Yes I do.

- Send them to me. I need to move my furniture around.

A soldier keeps a mug upside down and tells the sergeant:

- I can't drink from this mug. It has no opening.

The sergeant examines the mug and says:

- You are right. And besides this, it has no bottom.

Father Murphy walked into a pub and said to the first Marine he met, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The Marine said, "I do Father." The priest said, "Leave this pub right now!"

He then approached a second Marine. "Do you want to got to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the Marine's reply. "Then leave this den of Satan!" said the priest.

Father Murphy then walked up to an old SgtMaj and asked, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The SgtMaj replied: "No, I don't Father."

The priest looked him right in the eye and said, "You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

The SgtMaj smiled, "Oh, when I die! Why...yes Father. Shit, I thought you were getting a working party together to go right now!"

This is the difference between a lousy Golfer and a lousy Parachutist.

The lousy Golfer goes splash then damn.

The lousy Parachutist goes damn then splash.

A recruit examines the food served to him in the batallion dining room.

- Do I have any choice here, he asks a sergeant.

- Yes, you do. You may eat it or not.

I was an Air Force ICBM launch control officer in South Dakota. Two officers pulled 24-hour alerts in a launch control center that was surrounded by several Minuteman II silos.

The facility and the silos were separated by several miles. We were not allowed to leave the "capsule" until relieved the next day, and we were supported by several on-site personnel in the support building upstairs. The capsules were Spartan, but each boasted a small refrigerator and a small microwave.

On one tour of duty, the cook called down around lunch time and informed us that she was cleaning her oven and that hot food would be unavailable for a short time.

Later, around supper time, she called down again and apologized that she had dismantled her oven to clean it, was having trouble reassembling it, and would again be unable to heat our food orders. We were somewhat annoyed, but, being the kinder, gentler military officers we were, told her "No problem. Just send down the frozen meals and we'll 'nuke' them ourselves."

Several seconds of dead silence on the phone followed before she whispered, "You can DO that?"

A Maintenance Battalion in Germany had just received a brand new Executive Officer, an Armor Major. The Major proceeded to issue new SOP directives (Standard Operating Procedures) that WOULD be followed under all circumstances. One of these directives was that NO ONE over the rank of Staff Sergeant would drive their own vehicle, that was what the lower enlisted were for.

One morning, the Master Sergeant in charge of the S-2 shop of the battalion had an intel report that was due at Division Headquarters within the hour, and his clerk, a PFC, was off that morning because of duty the night before. The Sergeant felt that he had no choice, the report HAD to get to Division; so he got into his Jeep and started to Division Headquarters.

As he got to the gate, the XO stopped him. In a very sarcastic voice he said, "Aren't we paying our drivers a lot these days?"

The NCO, without missing a beat replied, "Not at all, Sir, when you consider what we are paying gate guards."

A trooper asks a sergeant:

- Is it true that man descended from a monkey?

- Yes, troopers possibly were. But not sergeants.