Men Jokes

Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
→ Just when it's getting interesting they are finished until next time...

I read last week how there are more than one million battered women in the United States each year. All these years I've been eating them raw.

A guy steps into an elevator and there's just one attractive woman in it. He turns around to push the button for his floor and his elbow bumps right into her breast. He says, "Oh, I'm so sorry. If your heart is as soft as your breast, I hope you'll be able to forgive me." She looks at him a few seconds and says, "That's all right. If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 204."

In 1993, the University of Kentucky did a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $ 80,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the study was published, the University of South Carolina decided to do their own study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

The University of Georgia, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

As a young, modern virgin of the nineties, you no doubt have many questions concerning romance, love, even s..e..x. In this sensitive and frank "question and answer" format, noted sex therapist Dr Ruth explains everything you've ever wondered about.

Where can I find the man of my dreams?
→ This is a difficult question, since every virgin probably has a different ideal of what their own personal Prince Charming should act and look like. However, when it comes to finding Mr Right, I can give you a good suggestion on where to start - and that's in a bar. That's right, go to a bar... preferably the kind that smells of stale beer and lots of men crowded around watching a sports event on television. Pick a man that looks interesting - it's best to stay away from the shallow "pretty boys" in designer clothes with bulging muscles. Instead, I recommend you pick somebody a little older and wiser, possibly reassuring pot belly. Boldly approach him, offer to buy him a few beers, then invite him back to your place. He'll advise you from there.

How do I know if I found Mr Right?
→ Unfortunately, there's no sure way to tell. Therefore, I suggest you try out many different kinds of men and many different kinds of bars.

Do men like aggresive virgins?
→ Definitely. Although they don't admit it, men are often shy - so it's up to you to be bold. In addition to bars, don't be afraid to approach men on streetcorners, in restaurants, even in restrooms. Break the ice with simple "hello", followed by an offer to buy them dinner, drinks - even an expensive gift. Then invite them to back to your place.

What if a man's married?
→ Go for it. This is a great opportunity to enjoy the valuable experience a married man possesses, without being tied down by any sort of commitment.

But what if I fall in love with a married man?
→ This is a tough one, especially if you're a woman and find yourself pregnant. Ask him how he feels about his wife and family. If he says his wife doesn't understand him and he's thinking of leaving her, believe him and continue your relationship, secure in the knowledge that he'll soon make good his promise. Married men rarely lie about such important matters.

How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
→ Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, experienced men are much more responsible, since they're not confused emotionally as virgins. It's a proven fact.

Should I have sex on the first date?
→ YES. Before if possible.

What exactly happens during the act of sex?
→ Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.

How long should the sex act last?
→ This is a natural and normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or embarrassed. After your man has finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out - while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.

What is "afterplay"?
→ After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

Does the size of the penis matter?
→ Yes. Although many virgins believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about six centimeters. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is seven centimeters or over, you should go down on your knees and thank you lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and buying him an expensive gift.

What about the orgasm?
→ What about it? There's no such thing. It's a myth.

Are you sure?
→ Will you stop asking so many questions? Do you distrust experienced men or something? Instead, prove how much you care for your boyfriend by going out and buying him an expensive gift.

This exchange was overheard between the separated sections of the jail. A male voice yells over to the female side:

- I got 12 inches over here you would love to have.

- Well, spit it out it isn't yours.

A middle aged man, about 5 foot 8 inches tall, walks into a Walmart and asks where the pharmacy counter is. He is directed to it.

When he reaches it, he asks to see the pharmacist.

The pharmacist comes and the man, looking around furtively, asks quietly, "Do you sell Viagra here?"

The pharmacist answers firmly, "Yes, sir. We certainly do."

The man then asks, "Do you think I could get it over the counter?"

The pharmacist thinks for a moment and then says, "Perhaps, if you took five or six pills at once you might."

A young man walks into a singles bar with a roll of quarters taped inside the crotch of his jeans. He looks around, then sits next to the most attractive woman there. He was very pleased with himself after he noticed her constantly glancing down at his crotch. "Hi, there, I'm Jerry," he said, as he went into one of his well rehearsed routines, "and I help produce a T.V. quiz show. Is there any question I can answer for you?" "As a matter of fact there is," she said as she glanced down once more toward his embellished jeans. "Do you have change for a dollar?"

A man and a woman are on an elevator at the top of the world's tallest building, when all of a sudden, the cable snaps and the elevator starts plummeting to the ground. The emergency brakes don't work, the emergency phone doesn't work, and they both begin to panic.

The woman screams "We're going to die!", rips off all her clothes, throws herself on the floor and says to the man "make me feel like a woman again!"

So, he pulls off his jacket, throws it on the floor, and says "pick that up, bitch."

A man was driving up a steep and narrow mountain road.

A woman was driving down the same road. As they passed each other, the woman leaned out the window and yelled, "Pig!" The man immediately leaned out his window and replied, "Bitch!" They continue on their way and as the man rounded the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.