Men Jokes

A guy says, "I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women."

- Yeah what happened? asked his friend.

- Well, er, I got my penis stuck in the neck of the bottle.

When a man takes off his pants in a hotel room, what's the first thing to hang out?
→ The DO NOT DISTURB sign!

It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete's performance. In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries. After sex, they glance at their watches and say, "Oops, gotta run!"

Confucious say: "Man who goes to sleep with sex on mind wakes up with solution in hand."

Why do women fake orgasms?
→ Because men fake foreplay.

Two friends met after a long time, and chatted about what's been going on since they last met. One of them had a new girlfriend and the other one asked about her cooking, her relation to his folks etc. etc. and finally asked "How is she in bed?" First guy replies "She's fantastic, she sucks like a real man!"

What is a man's idea of protected sex?
→ A padded headboard.

Don was looking for a little "action." He picked up a sweet young thang at the bar and took her back to his hotel room. Little did he know she was damn near a nymphomaniac. After six times, she was screaming for more. After the eighth time, Don told her that he needed to slip out for a pack of cigarettes.

On the way out, he stopped in the men's room. He stood in front of the urinal, unzipped, and felt a moment of panic when he couldn't find his dick. After a couple of minutes of "fishing around," he finally said, "Look, it's ok. She's not here!"

Ok, I'm going to get a lot of hate mail for this one...

What's the definition of the perfect woman?

She's three feet tall, has a round hole for a mouth, and her head is flat so you can put a can on it. The sports model has pull back ears and her teeth fold in. The economy model fucks all night and at midnight turns into a roast beef sandwich and a six pack.

What part of a woman does a man like looking at best?
→ The top of her head.