Men Jokes

If a man says something in the middle of a forest, and there is no women around to hear him, is he still wrong?

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
→ Both of them.

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish and....'"

These two guys had just gotten divorces and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.

They got up there and went into a trader's store and told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year." The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole. The guys said "What's that board for?" The trader said, "Well, where you're going there are no women and you might need this."

They said "No way! We've sworn off women for life!" The trader said, "Well. take the boards with you, and if you don't use them I'll refund your money next year." "Okay," they said and left.

Next year this guy came into the trader's store and said "Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year." The trader said, "Weren't you in here last year with a partner?"

"Yeah" said the guy.

"Where is he?" asked the trader.

"I shot him" said the guy.

"Why?"

"I caught him in bed with my board."

Why did God give men larger brains than dogs?
→ So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

Why is a man at his smartest when he is having sex?
→ Because he's plugged into a woman!

What food best describes a man?
→ Jerky

How do you scare a man?
→ Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.

Man walks into a supermarket and buys:

• 1 bar of soap
• 1 toothbrush
• 1 tube toothpaste
• 1 loaf of bread
• 1 pint of milk
• 1 single serving cereal
• 1 single serving frozen dinner

The girl at the checkout looks at him and says "Single are you?"

The man replies very sarcastically "How did you guess?"

She replies "because you're ugly."

There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men: "don't" and "stop".