Men Jokes

Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say

10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.
11. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?
12. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that.
13. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.
14. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?
15. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.
16. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
17. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.
18. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
19. Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that -- it's no big deal.

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor.

The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir, you're the father of twins."

"What a coincidence!" the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."

The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You, sir, are the father of triplets."

"Wow, that's really an incredible coincidence," he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down."

An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back. This time, she turned to the third man, who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply.

"Don't tell me another coincidence?" asked the nurse.

After finally regaining his composure, he said, "I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."

After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the fourth guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and, after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness.

The nurse asked, "Sir, are you all right?"

"Yes" says the man, "I'm o.k. now. I just had a shocking thought. I work at the 7-11 Store."

The British had an organization that Americans are now considering adopting.

It seems that in England, they had a men's club, Bachelors' Anonymous. It was highly successful in making men fear or even hate marriage.

The club provided a unique way to treat the problem of bachelors wanting to marry. They send over a mother-in-law in nightgown, hair curlers, and a mud pack.

Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required.

1. Combatting Stupidity
2. You Too Can Do Housework
3. Resistance to Beer
4. How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray
5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas (Give Us Credit Cards)
6. Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4:00am
7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (also called "Don't Wash My Silks")
8. Get A Life - Learn To Cook
9. How Not To Act Like An Idiot When You Are Obviously Wrong
10. Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right
11. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
12. You, The Weaker Sex
13. Reasons To Give Flowers
14. Garbage - Getting It To The Curb
15. You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Please
16. How To Put Down A Toilet Seat
17. Give Me A Break - Why We Know Your Excuses Are Lies
18. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without Getting Lost
19. The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency
20. Helpful Posture Hints For Couch Potatoes
21. Mother-in-Laws Are People Too
22. The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous
23. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
24. You Too Can Be A Designated Driver
25. Male Bonding: Leave Your Friends At Home
26. Attainable Goal - Omitting Foul Expletives From Vocabulary
27. You Don't Really Need That Porsche

Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Women Fall Catalogue

Once again, the male staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for women of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required.

1. Combatting The Impulse To Nag
2. You Can Change The Oil Too
3. How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug
4. We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas
5. Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness
6. How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football
7. Parenting - Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Other Than Him To Boss Around
8. How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Slop
9. How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right
10. Get A Life - Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself
11. Balancing A Checkbook - Even You Can Get It Right
12. Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility
13. You, The Whining Sex
14. Shopping - Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours
15. If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother
16. How To Close The Garage Door
17. If You Don't Want An Excuse, Don't Demand An Explanation
18. How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia
19. Living Without Power Windows - How To Turn A Crank
20. Romanticism - The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation
21. How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself
22. Why You Don't Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend
23. Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous
24. How To Act Younger Than Your Mother
25. You Too Can Carry A Backpack
26. Female Friendship - Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The Most
27. Learning To Appreciate The Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men
28. Attainable Goal - Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving
29. How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.

"The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!" An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!"

Man says to God: "Why did you make woman so beautiful?"

God says: "So you would love her."

Man says to God: "But God, why did you make her so dumb?"

God says: "So she would love you."

I'M GLAD I'M A MAN

I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.
I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese.
I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts.
I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west.

I don't get wasted after only 2 beers,
And when I do drink I don't end up in tears.
I won't spend hours deciding what to wear.
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair.
And I don't go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.
I don't whine in public and make us leave early,
And when you ask why get all bitter and surly.

I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back.
I don't carry our differences into the sack.
I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
Or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.
I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too.
I know what the time is and I know what to do.
And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two balls and stand when I pee.
I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball.
It's more fun than dealing with women after all.
I won't cry if you say it's not going to work.
I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure.
I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.

Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a man, you see.
I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery.
I don't get all bitchy every 28 days.
I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise.
I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!

I'M GLAD I'M A WOMAN

I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am.
I don't live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam.
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections.
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions.
I don't get wasted at parties, and act like a clown.
And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down!
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt.
My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut.
And I don't go around "re-adjusting" my crotch,
or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch.
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind.
I'm a woman you see-I'm just not that kind!

I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting.
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back.
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack.
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb.
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome.
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side.
I'm a woman, you know-I've got far too much pride!
And I honestly think its a privilege for me,
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee.
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball.
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand,
Or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band.
Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep,
Then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you see.
Forget all about that old penis envy.
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for a chick.
Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick.
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful, it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!

A Woman's Rule of Thumb:
If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.

How many honest intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
→ Both of them.

Why don't women blink during foreplay?
→ They don't have time.

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
→ Not one will stop to ask directions.

What do men and sperm have in common?
→ They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

How does a man show he is planning for the future?
→ He buys two cases of beer.

What is the difference between men and government bonds?
→ The bonds eventually mature.

Why are blonde jokes so short?
→ So men can remember them.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
→ We don't know; it has never happened.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
→ They already have boyfriends.

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
→ A widow.

Why are married women heavier than single women?
→ Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Why did the man cross the road?
→ He heard the chicken was a slut.