Men Jokes

How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer?
→ None - it should be open when she brings it to you!

Two guys decide to go on a hunting trip. When there friend hears about it, he begges to go. The two men are skeptical, because every time there friend goes, he scares away all the game. The friend promises that if he is allowed to go, he will stay at the camp site, because he likes to camp more than hunt. They agree and they start on their trip.

Once camp is set up, the two men decide to go hunt, and their friend stays behind. After several hours they finally spot a ten point buck, but a shrill scream scares the buck away. The two men run back to camp, only to find their friend standing there looking up into the trees.

"What's wrong?" They asked. "Yeah, you scared off our game."

"I'm sorry, fellas. I didn't screm when the snake fell out of the tree and wrapped aound my neck. I didn't yell when the bear came out of the woods and mauled me nearly to death. But those SQUIRELS..."

What had happened to the poor man was that two squirels had climbed up his pants leg. The first squirel asked the second, "Do we eat them NOW, or do we take them HOME?"

A man walking along a beach finds a lamp, picks it up, rubs it and this genie pops out.

The genie says, "For releasing me I shall grant you one wish!"

The man thinks for a minute, and says, "I want you to build a bridge to Hawaii. I'm scared of flying and tend to get seasick."

The genie replies, "My good lad, do you realize how much it will take to do that? First of all, it will cost millions just to hire the workers. Not to mention all the materials it will take. In addition, there would need to be countless rest stops and gas stations and it would interfere with shipping lanes. I'm sorry, but it just can't be done. Please choose another wish!"

The man thinks for a minute, and says, "I want to be able to understand women."

The genie pauses for a moment and says, "So, this bridge you want...two lanes or four?"

Whats the difference between a pig and a fox?
→ A 12-pack of beer!

There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date. The guy said, "It's simple. I just say, I'm a lawyer."

So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said "No," he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.

She said, "Oh!!!! Your a lawyer?"

He said, "Why,... Yes I am!"

So they went to his place and when they were in bed, screwing, he started to laugh to himself. When she asked what was so funny, he answered, "Well, I've only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I'm already screwing someone!"

There are 3 people walking down the street: the perfect man, the perfect woman, and Mickey Mouse. They see a $50 bill on the street. Who picks it up?

The perfect woman (naturally), because the other two are fictional characters!

After a hot, hard day's work Joe went into a bar to quench his thirst. He walked up to the bar and asked the bartender for a beer.

The bartender replied "There's one thing every man has to do here before getting served. You have to tell me the name of your penis."

Joe thought it was a bit silly and asked the bartender what he named his. The bartender said "I named mine Nike...like you know...just go for it!"

So he thought about it for a few minutes then said "I got one... Secret." The bartender said "Why Secret?" Joe said "Well...it's strong enough for a man, but made for a woman."

DEMERIT POINT SYSTEM USED BY WOMEN

(The code is finally broken - the demerit system is no longer a mystery!)

For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is: In the world of romance and relationship responsibilities, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects... Sorry, but that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system.

Simple Duties

• You make the bed ... 1
• You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows ... 0
• You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets ... -1
• You leave the toilet seat up ... -5
• You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty ... 0
• When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex ... -1
• When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom ... -2
• You check out a suspicious noise at night ... 0
• You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing ... 0
• You check out a suspicious noise and it's something ... 5
• You pummel it with a six iron ... 10

Social Engagements

• You stay by her side the entire party ... 0
• You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy ... -2
• Named Tiffany ... -4
• Tiffany is a dancer ... -6
• Tiffany has implants ... -8

Her Birthday

• You take her out to dinner ... 0
• You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar ... 1
• Okay, it is a sports bar ... -2
• And it's all-you-can-eat night ... -3
• It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team ... -10

Thoughtfulness

• You forget her birthday completely ... -20
• You forget your anniversary ... -30
• You forget to pick her up at the bus station ... -45
• Which is in Newark, New Jersey ... -50
• And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast ... -60

A Night Out

• You take her to a movie ... 2
• You take her to a movie she likes ... 4
• You take her to a movie you hate ... 6
• You take her to a movie you like ... -2
• It's called DeathCop3 ... -3
• Which features cyborgs having sex ... -9
• You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans ... -15

Flowers

• You buy her flowers only when it's expected ... 0
• You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it ... 20
• You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself ... 30
• And she contracts Lyme disease ... -25

Your Physique

• You develop a noticeable potbelly ... -15
• You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it ... 1
• You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts ... -30
• You say "I don't care because you have one too" ... -800

Finances

• You spend a lot of money on something impractical ... -5
• Something she can't use ... -10
• Such as a motorized model airplane ... -20
• And she got a small appliance for her birthday ... -40

Driving

• You lost the directions on a trip ... -4
• You lost the directions and end up getting lost ... -10
• You don't stop to ask directions ... 0
• You stop and ask for directions ... 25
• You end up getting lost in a bad part of town ... -15
• You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal ... -25
• You know them ... -60

The Big Question

• She asks, "Do I look fat?" ... -5
  (Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
• You hesitate in responding ... -10
• You reply, "Where?" ... -35

Communication

• When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression ... 0
• When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes ... 5
• You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV ... 10
• She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep ... -20

A man and a woman are in an elevator. All of a sudden the elevator stops and the fire alarm goes off.

The woman starts to have a break down and say to the man, "I wish I could feel like a woman one last time."

The man automatically rips his shirt off throws it to the floor and says, "now fold it"!

A man walks into the bar and orders 2 shots of whiskey and the man drinks one and pours the other shot in his hand, the man did this 3 times before the bartender finally asks him ----why is it you drink 1 shot and pour the other in your hand.

The man replies, I'm getting my girl friend drunk!