Men Jokes

Random joke from this category

Stranded On Deserted Islands

What happens when you have:

  • 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
  • 2 French men and 1 French woman
  • 2 German men and 1 German woman
  • 2 Greek man and 1 Greek woman
  • 2 English men and 1 English woman
  • 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
  • 2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
  • 2 American men and 1 American woman
  • 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage ? trois.

The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.

The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The Bulgarian men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Bulgarian woman and they started swimming.

The 2 American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving. But at least the taxes are low and it is not raining.

The 2 Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.

The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and by setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied in that at least the English are not getting any!

Two Gifts

When God created the earth, Adam & Eve, he found he had two baubles left over. He came to Adam & Eve & said, "I have two things left. One is the gift to piss while standing up."

Adam got very excited: "Oh, that would be so great, I would really like that. If I'm out in the fields, I can just go right there."

So Eve smiled & said, "Okay, it sounds like he really wants that." As Adam tried out his new gift, he asked out of curiousity, "What was the other gift?"

"Oh," God said, looking, "Multiple orgasms."

MasterCard For Men

You've all seen the sentimental MasterCard commercials. Well, finally there is a MasterCard commercial targeted just for men:
(No offense ladies - just enjoy it for what it's worth)

  • Cover charge: $15.00
  • Round of drinks: 23.00
  • Table dance: $30.00
  • Another round of drinks: $23.00
  • Couch dance and tips: $50.00
  • A round of shots: $34.00
  • Private dance in your hotel room: $300.00

Send her on her way and never have to hear her complain: "PRICELESS!"

There are some things that money can't buy.

For everything else, there's MasterCard.

Two Cars On A Mountain

A man and a woman were in 2 different cars. The man was going up the mountainside. The woman was going down the mountainside. Then the woman yells out - "Pig!". The man then yells back - "Hoe!" They both continue on, until the man smashes his car into a pig!

Golf Or Public Bathroom

Suggestions for Guys Golfing or Using A Public Bathroom:

  • Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
  • Form a loose grip.
  • Keep your head down.
  • Avoid a quick backswing.
  • Stay out of the water.
  • Try not to hit anyone.
  • If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
  • Don't stand directly in front of others.
  • Quiet please!... while others are preparing to go.
  • Don't take extra strokes.

Chicken And Horse

A chicken and a horse were playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him to safety. The chicken runs to the farmer but the farmer cannot be found. So she drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. She then throws the other end of the rope to her friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking. A few days later the chicken and the horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, 'No, I think I can stand over the hole'. So he stretched his legs over the width of the hole and said, 'grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up'. So the chicken grabbed hold of the horse's "thingy" and pulled herself to safety.

The moral of the story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks!

The IRS Penis Tax

To: All Male U.S. Citizens
From: I.R.S. Service Center
Re: Notice of increase in tax payments

The only thing that the I.R.S. has not taxed yet is your penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 20% of the time it is pissed off, 30% of the time it is hard up and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has 2 dependants and they are both nuts.

Effective January 1, 1998 your penis will be taxed according to size. The categories are as follows:

  • 10 - 12 inches....... Luxury Tax $30.00
  • 8 -10............... Pole Tax $25.00
  • 5 -8................ Privilege Tax $15.00
  • 4 -5................ Nuisance Tax $3.00

Males exceeding 12" must file a capital gains return. NOTE: Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund. PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!

Sincerely,
Pecker Checker
I.R.S