Marriage Jokes

Morris complained to his friend Irving, that love making with his wife was becoming routine and boring.

- Get creative Morris. Break up the monotony.

- Why don't you try 'playing doctor' for an hour? That's what I do - said Irving.

- Sounds great - Morris replied.

- but how do you make it last for an hour?

- That's easy...just keep her in the waiting room for 59 minutes!

A guy walked into a pet store looking for a Christmas gift for his wife. The storekeeper said he knew exactly what would please her and took a little bird out of its cage.

- This is Chet - he said.

- and Chet can sing Christmas carols and songs.

Seeing the look of disbelief on the customer's face, he proceeded to demonstrate.

- He needs warming up - he said.

- Lend me your cigarette lighter.

The storekeeper lifted Chet's left wing and waved the flame lightly under it. Immediately, Chet sang: Oh Come, All Ye Faithful.

- That's fantastic - said the customer.

- And listen to this - said the storekeeper, warming Chet's other wing.

Chet sang: O Little Town of Bethlehem.

- Wrap him up - said the customer.

- I'll take him!

When he got home he greeted his wife:

- Honey, I can't wait until Christmas to show you what I got you. This is fantastic.

He unwrapped Chet's cage and showed the bird to his wife.

- Now, watch and listen.

He raised Chet's left wing and held him over a Christmas candle that was burning on the mantlepiece. Chet immediately began to sing Silent Night. The wife was delighted. As Chet's right wing was warmed over the flame, he sang Joy To The World.

- Let me try it - said the wife, seizing he bird. In her eagerness, she held Chet a little too close to the candle flame. Chet began to sing passionately:

- Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire!

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.

- C'mon, tell me - she asked for the thousandth time:

- how many women have you slept with?

- Baby - he protested:

- if I told you, you'd throw a fit.

Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

- Okay - he said, then started to count on his fingers:

- One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen.....

A young man wanted to get his beautiful "blonde" wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cellphone.

She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone. The next day the blonde goes shopping.

Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hun," he says, "how do you like your new phone?", she replies: "I just love, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though."

"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal Mart?"

There was a couple involved in a very bad car accident. The wife's face was badly burned. The doctors said they could take the burnt skin and replace it with extra skin.

The woman's husband gladly allowed the doctors to use some skin from his behind.

The woman healed beautifully and ask her husband if there was anything she could do for him for being so nice to donate his skin.

And the husband replied:

- no need...

- I get all the satisfaction I could ever want each time your mother kisses you on the cheek!

One day a man came home from work to find total chaos in the house. The kids were laying outside in the mud, still in their pajamas, and empty food boxes were on the kitchen counter.

When he opened the door, he found an even bigger mess: dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table and a pile of sand by the back door. The family room was strewn with toys, and a lamp had been knocked over.

He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife.

He was becoming worried that she might be ill or that something terrible had happened to her.

He found her in the bedroom still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a book. She looked up at him, smiled and asked how his day had gone. He looked at her, bewildered, and asked:

- What happened here today?

She again smiled and answered:

- You know, every day, you come home from work and ask me what I did today.

- Yes - was his reply.

She answered:

- Well, today, I didn't do it!

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus, with a huge bundle of toys.

Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.

Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated, and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The question is: Who was the survivor? Scroll down for the answer.

The perfect woman survived. She's the only one that existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and no such thing as a perfect man.

Women stop here. That is the end of the joke.
Men keep scrolling

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving, and that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen.

Bill Clinton was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and lo-and-behold a real Genie appeared.

Bill was amazed and asked if he got three wishes. The Genie said:

- Nope...not these days...

- I'm only giving out 1 wish because of inflation. So...what'll be?

Bill didn't hesitate. He said:

- I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other.

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed:

- Are you crazy! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good but I'm not THAT good. I don't think it can be done. So make another wish.

Bill thought for a minute and said:

- You know, people really don't like my wife. They think she's a real witch and ugly as sin. I wish for her to be the most beautiful woman in the world and I want everybody to like her. That's what I want!

The Genie thought for a minute and said:

- Hmmmmm. Lemme see that map again.

A man will pay $2 for an item that costs $1 if he wants it. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want because it's on sale.

A woman worries about he future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find that man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and don't expect to understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man can forget his past mistakes: there's no reason for two people to keep track of the same things.

A woman marries a man expecting him to change, and he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting her not to change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says:

- Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.

The old man says without hesitation:

- I now pronounce you man and wife.