Marriage Jokes

A not so bright guy got a job in a factory and "the boys" soon befriended him. Just before lunch one day a fellow worker came up to him and said:

- You notice how the boss has been leaving work early for lunch and comes back late the past few weeks? Well, I've been going home and spending time with my wife. You oughta try it.

So our young friend snuck home, but as he entered his apartment, he could hear his wife and a man in his bedroom. Sneaking a peak into his bedroom, he caught his wife, with his BOSS in bed. Turning around, he quietly left the apartment and returned to work before his boss got back.

The next day, after the boss left, his friend nudged him and said:

- I guess thats my cue! You gonna sneak home again today?

To which our young friend replied:

- Nah, I better not! I almost got caught yesterday!

How do you get a blonde to marry you?
→ Tell her she's pregnant.

What will she ask you?
→ "Is it mine?"

- Hubby: As a start I think you should learn to "iron," then we could do without the ironing lady.

- Blonde Wife: Well if you would learn to fuck me properly we could do without the gardener.

What's the disease that paralyzes blondes below the waist?
→ Marriage.

What's the difference between a terrorist and a wife?
→ You can negotiate with the terrorist!

Rufus bought his wife Lula-bell a bouquet of twelve long-stemmed roses for her birtday. Lula-bell gave him a big, close, hug and a long, deep, kiss.

Then she wispered in his ear:

- I guess I'm just gonna spend all night on my back with my legs in the air.

Rufus thought about it for a minute, then said:

- You don't have to do that, honey. I bought you a vase to put the flowers in.

A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest:

- I had an affair with a woman - almost.

The priest says:

- What do you mean, 'almost'?

The man says:

- Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.

The priest replies:

- Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.

The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.

The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says:

- I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!

The man replied:

- Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in!

Just after I got married, I decided to have a night with "the boys." I told the misses that I would be home by midnight...promise! Well, the yarns were being spun and the grog was going down easy, and at around 3 a.m. full as a boot, I went home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having the quick wittedness, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

The next morning the misses asked me what time I got in and I told her 12 o'clock. Whew! Got away with that one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said:

- Well, it cuckooed 3 times, said 'shit,' cuckooed another 4 times, farted, cuckooed another 3 times, cleared its throat, and cuckooed twice then giggled.

The couple were leaving the cocktail party, where the husband, slightly flushed, had been the life of the party.

"John," she said:

- did anyone ever tell you how fascinating, how romantic, and how handsome you are?

"No," the man replied happily, looking at his wife:

- I don't think anyone ever did?

"Well," she snapped:

- then where did you ever get the idea!!!

A man frantically calls 911 and says:

- help...my wife has gone into labor and her contractions are 10 minutes apart.

- 911: Is this her first child?

- Man: Of course not, you idiot...this is her husband!