Random joke from this category
A woman that was on her death-bed turned to her husband telling him he should get married soon after she'll die, to which the man said:
- OK.
Then she told him that he may bring the new wife to her home.
- OK - said the man.
- And you may give her my silver.
- OK - said he.
- You will also give her my jewelry.
- OK - said the man.
- And you will also give her my dresses - said the woman.
- This will not be possible - answered the man - you see, you are size 8 and she is size 10.
Bob and his three golf buddies were out playing and were just starting on the back nine when Bob paused, looked down the fairway and began to sob uncontrollably.
The other three gathered around him and asked:
- What's wrong?
Bob looked down at his feet, sniffed and dried his eyes some, then apologized for his emotional outburst:
- I'm sorry, I always get emotional at this hole - it holds very difficult memories for me."
One of his buddies asked:
- What happened? What could have gotten you so upset?
Bob stared silently off in the distance, then said in a low voice:
- This is where my wife and I were playing 12 years ago when she suddenly died of a heart attack; right at this very hole!"
- Oh my God, - the other golfers said; - That must have been horrible!
- Horrible? You think it's horrible?
Bob cried in disbelief:
- It was worse than that!!!! Every hole for the rest of the day, all the way back to the clubhouse it was hit the ball, drag Alice, hit the ball, drag Alice...
One day a man decided to get a tattoo on his penis, his wife asked where have u been all day, he said to get a tattoo on his penis. The wife asked why? He said so u can stay home and blow money!!
Johnny (age 8) comes into the house for dinner after playing outside all afternoon. His parents ask him what he did today. He says that he played baseball and then he proposed to Betty (age 7) the next door neighbor. They are going to get married.
His parents think this is cute, and they don't want to make fun of Johnny so they ask Johnny:
- How are you and Betty going to pay for the expenses of being married?
He replies:
- Well with the $1 I get each week from you and the $1 she gets from her Mom and Dad, we should do o.k.
His father says:
- That's fine, but how will you pay the extra expenses if you and Betty have a baby?
Johnny answers:
- Well, so far, we've been lucky...
"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week."
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
A man phones home from his office and tells his wife:
- Something has just come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up.
He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off.
A week later he returns.
His wife asks:
- Did you have a good trip, dear?
He says:
- Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas.
His wife smiles and says:
- Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box!
A couple were in bed after celebrating their golden anniversary. The wife Said:
- Darling, embrace me the way you used to when we first got Married.
He did.
- Now kiss me the way you used to...
- Now darling, bite me the way you used to.
At this point the husband got out of bed and the wife said:
- Where are you going dear?
- To get my teeth, dear - the husband replied.
This guy runs home and bursts in yelling:
- Pack your bags honey, I just won the lottery!!
She says:
- Oh wonderful, should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?
He replies:
- I don't care...
Just get the heck out!!
A wife arriving home after a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:
- Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.
- Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wear because the color didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore.
- Then as she was about to leave the house, she had paused and asked:
- Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?
- Darling - she whispered after they had finished making love.
- Will you still make love like that to me after we're married?
He considered this for a moment, and then replied:
- I think so. I've always been especially fond of married women.
