Marriage Jokes

- Mrs. Riley, you say you divorced your husband 6 years ago, but you have a newborn infant and children 1, 2, 3, and 4 years old. How come?

- Well, every year, he comes back to apologize.

A man and woman were lying in bed on night and the woman said to the man:

- I sure wish I had bigger tits.

The man responded by saying she should rub toilet paper all over them.

The woman looked at him and asked:

- Toilet paper, what will that do?

The man said:

- I don't know, but look what it's done for your ass!

Bill Clinton and Hillary were travelling in a car.

They stopped at a filling station. They saw Hillary's young lover there. Bill said to Hillary if you were still with him, you were the wife of a filling station owner.

Hillary said:

- NO! Then he would be the president of United States

A woman called in a repairman to fix her television. Just as he finished, the woman heard her husband's key in the lock.

- Hurry, - she said to the repairman:

- you'll have to hide. My husband is insanely jealous.

There was no time to run out the back door, so the repairman hid inside the TV console. The husband came in and plopped down in his favorite chair to watch some football. Inside the TV, the repairman was all squished up and getting hotter and hotter. Finally, he couldn't stand it anymore. He climbed out, marched across the room and out the front door.

The husband looked at the TV set, looked at his wife, looked back at the set again and said:

- I didn't see the referee send that guy off the field, did you?

A man came home a day early from a business trip and discovered his wife in the midst of passionate lovemaking with a total stranger in their bedroom. He demandingly asked:

- What on earth are you doing?!?!!

The wife turned to the other man and replied:

- See, I told you he was as dumb as a post.

A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor...

- I feel real good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a five dollar bill to a bum.

- You mean you gave a bum five dollars? That's a lot of money to give away like that. What did you husband say about it?

- Oh, he thought it was the thing to do. He said:

- Thanks.

- Jim: Joe, I hear you just got married again.

- Joe: Yes, for the fourth time.

- Jim: What happened to your first three wives?

- Joe: They all died, Jim.

- Jim: How did that happen?

- Joe: My first wife ate poison mushrooms.

- Jim: How terrible! And your second?

- Joe: She ate poison mushrooms.

- Jim: And your third ate poison mushrooms too?

- Joe: Oh, no. She died of a broken neck.

- Jim: I see, an accident.

- Joe: Not exactly. She wouldn't eat her mushrooms.

- Irritated Wife: What do you mean by coming home half drunk?

- Hubby: It's not my fault... I ran out of money!

A man was complaining to a friend:

- I had it all; money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!

- What happened? - asked the friend.

- My wife found out...

A man finds a lamp and decides to rub the dust off. Then, you guessed it, a Genie appears. The Genie tells the man he will grant him three wishes, but everything the man gets, his mother-in-law gets twice.

The man's first wish is for 10 million dollars. The Genie reminds the man that his mother-in-law will get 20 million dollars.

The man says:

- that's ok.

The man's next wish is for a house by the sea.

Once again, the Genie reminds the man that his mother-in-law will get two houses by the sea; once again, the man says:

- that's okay.

The man's last wish is to be beaten half to death!