Language Jokes

WHY? ......

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it call "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
12. Doesn't 'expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wise guy' opposites?
14. Why do 'overlook and 'oversee' mean opposite things?
15. Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

10 Words That Don't Exist, But Should:

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathroom faucet on and off with your toes.
2. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.
4. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater (airplane).
5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keep backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man guy lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

Two chickens were talking and one chicken said to the other chicken "who is your favorite music composer?"

The second chicken responds "bach, bach, bach!"

Why English Teachers Are Important: The Words are the same. Only the punctuation changes...

Dear Thomas,
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours?
Maria

Dear Thomas,
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be? Yours,
Maria

• adenoids.....(n) Space critters whut are keepin' Elvis alive on Pluto
• anasthesia...(n) Rushun princess y'all red 'bout in skool.
• antacid......(n) aloosinagenic drugs uzed by itty bitty bugz.
• bowel........(n) A alfabit letter lyke A, E, I, O, or U or why?
• bronchitis...(n) dinosour frum the plastikseen age; extinked.
• catscan......(v) lukin' fer hookers (don y'all do this)
• cauterize....(v) makin' eye contak with a hooker (berry dangerous)
• d & c........(n) Warshingtun; whar the weirdos, purvurts, & kongress type peepul live.
• emema........(n) sumone who ain't never no frend no how
• fester.......(n) yer unkles name (mos likelee)
• genital......(n) head of a army, fer sample, Genital Robert E. Lee
• heart........(v) when u cauz pain to some1
• hypodermic...(n) huge, big, fat zoo crittur; mostly live in de woter
• mamogram.....(n) short note sent 2 yer ma er other female
• papsmear.....(v) when peepul sez veri ugli things bout yer pappy
• recovery.....(n) place wear yew fix up yer fernitur
• rectum.......(v) whut happenz when yew drive yer pick up truck drunk
• seizure......(n) Emperore of Rome.
• series.......(n) tv continuin show, fer sample, Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C.
• testicles....(n) books of the Bible
• tumor........(n) how many beers yew can drink after last call
• urine........(v) xact oppisyte of yerrout

This particular Wizard worked in a modern factory. Everything was satisfactory except that certain miscreants took advantage of his good nature, and would steal his parking spot.

This continued until he put up the following effective sign:

This parking space belongs to the Wizard.... Violators will be toad!

• Xerox and Wurlitzer: They're going to make reproductive organs
• Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers: New company will be called Fairwell Honeychild
• Polygram records, Warner Brothers and Keebler: new company will be called Poly Warner Cracker
• W.R. Grace Co., Fuller Brush Co., Mary Kay Cosmetics and Hale Business Systems: New company will be called Hale Mary Fuller Grace
• 3M and Goodyear: New company will be called mmmGood
• John Deere and Abitibi-Price: new company will be called Deere Abi
• Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil: New company will be called Honey I'm Home
• Denison Mines, Alliance and Metal Mining: New company will be called Mine, All Mine
• 3M, J.C. Penney and Canadian Opera Company: New company will be called 3 Penney Opera
• Grey Poupon and Dockers Pants: New company will be called Poupon Pants
• Knott's Berry Farm and National organization of Women: New company will be called Knott NOW!
• Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining: New company will be called Zip Audi Do-Da

A panhandler was caught trying to sneak aboard a Princess liner about to embark on a three-day trip to the Bahamas.

He was caught by the Purser who threw him off the ship telling him, "Beggars can't be cruisers."

The famous general died and his ashes were to be taken to Arlington National Cemetery. All the air lines were booked and there were no other planes available. Someone came up with the idea of using a helicopter. It arrived at 5:00 A.M.

The newspapers reported the incident with the headlines, "The Whirly Bird Gets The Urn"

The confused young man couldn't decide whether to marry Kathryn or Edith. Try as he might, he just could not make up his mind.

Unwilling to give up either, he strung them along for far too long. This indecision continued until both young women got tired of the situation and left him for good. Moral of the story: You can't have your Kate and Edith too!