Farming Jokes

- Camper: Look at that bunch of cows.

- Farmer: Not bunch, herd.

- Camper: Heard what?

- Farmer: Of cows.

- Camper: Sure I've heard of cows.

- Farmer: No, I mean a cowherd.

- Camper: So what? I have no secrets from cows!

What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk?
→ An udder failure!

What do you call cattle with a sense of humor?
→ Laughing stock.

It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon-load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise.

"Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up."

"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."

"Aw, come on," the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"

"Under the wagon!"

A farmer goes to the patent office to patent a peach, and the patent officer says, "You can't patent a peach, the peach has already been patented!"

And the farmer says, "Oh no. Not THIS kind of peach. Go ahead, try it!" So the patent officer takes a bite, and then, "Oh, wow! This is so good! It tastes like blackberry pie!"

And the farmer says, "Yeah, and do you like vanilla ice cream? Well then you gotta flip it over & try the other side".

So the patent officer does and he's like, "Man! That really does taste like vanilla ice cream! I can't believe it!"

So then the farmer looks around a bit and lowers his voice almost to a whisper, and says: "Psst! Have you ever tasted pussy?" "Oh yeah, I've eaten plenty of pussy!" "And you like it, right?" "Yeah I LOVE the taste of pussy" says the patent officer, starting to get excited.

The farmer says, "OK, then take a bite, right there" So the patent officer takes this HUGE bite, and then his eyes widen & he spits it out all over the place.

"Oh, Yuck! That tasted like SHIT!" & the farmer says "shoot,... I'm sorry, flip it over & try the other side!"

A researcher is conducting a survey into sheep shagging. First of all he visits a Cornish farmer.

"So, Cornish farmer, how do you shag your sheep?"

"Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boot and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall."

"That's very interesting," replies the researcher and he leaves the Cornish farmer. Then he meets a Midlands Farmer.

"So, Midlands farmer, how do you shag your sheep?"

"Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall."

"That's very interesting," replies the researcher. "That's how they do it in Cornwall too." And he leaves the Midlands farmer. Then he meets a farmer from Abergaveny.

"So, Abergaveny farmer, how do you shag your sheep?"

"Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over my shoulders."

"Over your shoulders?" replies the researcher. "Don't you put them over a wall like everyone else?"

"What?" says the farmer. "And miss out on all the kissing?!"

Little farmboy comes in late for school. Teacher asks why he's late. Farmboy replies that he had to take the family cow over to the neighbour's to get her bred by a bull.

Annoyed, teacher demands, "Can't your father do that?" Little farm boy thinks for a moment: replies, "Well, sure... but the bull can do it better."

What have an apple and an orange got in common?
→ Neither of them can drive a tractor!

This one big lawyer from the city decided to take time away from his busy day and went out to the farm and shot a duck.

The farmer walks out Of his building upon hearing the shot and screams at the city guy - "HEY You Cant shoot that duck on my property. That duck belongs to me. Hand it over!" The city guy says, 'Hell no I shot him so I get to keep him!'

The farmer and the city boy decide to settle it country style (which is to kick each other in the nuts till the other one falls over) So the farmer goes first and slams the city boy a nice hard stiff kick. Upon receiving the kick, the city boy damn near colllapses from the pain.

The city boy regains his balance And studders "Its my turn" The famer looks at him and says - "aw Hell, keep the damn duck!"

How many polish people does it take to milk a cow?
→ 9, four to hold the legs, four to hold the udders, and one to tell them when to move the cow up and down.