Ethnic

The UN sponsored a competition on which nation can produce the best book on elephants.

The British submited a dry historical account "The Elephant and the British Empire."

The French submited a text "The Sensuality of the Elephant -- a Personal Account."

The Germans submited 47 Volumes entitled "An Elementary Introduction to the Foundation of the Science of the Elephant's Ear."

The Americans submited an article from "Money" magazine: "Elephants -- the Perfect Tax Shelter for the 80s"
Green-Peace submited a counter-entry "Elephants -- they're better than People"
The Russians submited a terse manuscript titled "The superiority of the Soviet Elephant"
And submited a poem "The Joy and Freedom Brought forth by the Soviet Elephant."

But the Japanese won with their Promotional Flier "We have no Elephants but wouldn't you want to buy a Honda instead"

Every nation has to write a book about the Elephant:

• The French book - The Sex Life of the Elephant
  or: 1000 ways to cook Elephant
• The English book - Elephants I have shot on Safari
• The Welsh book - The Elephant and its influence on Welsh language and culture
  or: Oes ysgol tocynnau eleffant llanfairpwll nhadau coeden.
• The American book - How to Make Bigger And Better Elephants
• The Japanese book - How to Make Smaller And Cheaper Elephants
• The Greek book - How to Sell Elephants for a Lot of Money
• The Finnish book - What Do Elephants Think about Finnish People
• The German book - A Short Introduction to Elephants, Vol 1-6.
• The Icelandic book - Defrosting an Elephant
• The Swiss book - Switzerland: The Country Through Which Hannibal Went With His Elephants
• The Canadian book - Elephants: A Federal or State Issue?
• The Swedish book - How to reduce your taxes with an elephant.

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang. So she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose."

The woman did as she was told.

"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did..

Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang sighed deeply, and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look ed zachary like your ass."

Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratches butt should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.

War not determine who right, war determine who left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.

Man who farts in church sits in own pew.

Man who lay woman on ground get piece on earth.

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled, and said, "Business. The annual Sexual Education Convention in Chicago."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for sex education!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he said. "What myths are those?"

"Well," she explained. "One popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed, when in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait."

"Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent.

"We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry", she said. "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

What do you call a Canadian Baseball team?
→ Foreigners.

Proof That Jesus Was Jewish:

1. He went into his father's business.
2. He lived at home until the age of 33.
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God.

Proof That Jesus Was Irish:

1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

Proof That Jesus Was Puerto Rican:

1. His first name was Jesus.
2. He was bilingual.
3. He was always being harassed by the authorities.

Proof That Jesus Was Italian:

1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He worked in the building trades.

Proof that Jesus Was a Californian:

1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot.
3. He invented a new religion and finally

Proof that Jesus Was Black:

1. He called everybody brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

1. I be God. Don' be dissin me.
2. Don' be makin hood ornaments outa me or nothin in my crib.
3. Don' be callin me for no reason - homey don' play dat.
4. Y'all betta be in church on Sundee.
5. Don' dis ya mama...an if ya know who ya daddy is, don dis him neither.
6. Don' ice ya bros.
7. Stick to ya own woman.
8. Don' be liftin no goods.
9. Don' be frontin like you all that an no snitchin on ya homies.
10. Don' be eyein' ya homie's crib, ride, or nothin.

Fifty Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden If You're Invited To A Dinner Party At His Secret Afghan Lair, by Alan Meiss

• Point out the lice in his beard to make him feel self-conscious.
• Pause for a moment, listen carefully, and say, "Doesn't that sound a lot like a B-52?"
• Ask him if he's looking forward to replacing Hitler as Satan's favorite chew toy in the lowest inferno of Hell.
• Tell him all about your great vacation to Saudi Arabia, where you went absolutely everywhere and did everything, just stomped all over the place.
• Use his satellite phone to call the time and weather line in Buenos Aires and leave it off the hook.
• Tell him how much less you paid for your Kalashnikov rifle.
• Now that you know the address of his secret cave hideout, fill out magazine subscription cards for him for the Wine Spectator and Penthouse. But do not, under any circumstances, send him Popular Mechanics.
• Order him ten Domino's pizzas with extra ham topping.
• Correct him when he ends a sentence with a preposition.
• Ask whether the Taliban gets cable, because you haven't seen "Sex and the City" for weeks.
• Yank the end of his turban really hard to make him spin around like a top.
• Switch all the CD's in the jewel boxes in his CD collection, so that when he reaches for Michael Bolton, he'll actually get the Oak Ridge Boys.
• Mine his bathroom.
• Use your dinner fork for your salad, and, if questioned by your host, mutter something about "spots".
• Leave business cards for the Israeli Mossad in his Rolodex.
• Take pictures of all his wives and post them on www.amihotornot.com.
• Ask him if he wears boxers or briefs. Check. Take pictures. Again, post these on www.amihotornot.com.
• Give him a Hot Chicks of Palestine calendar.
• Ask him if Paradise is different for each person, and whether in your own paradise you'll get to, "kick his ass every day for eternity."
• Reset his VCR and leave it blinking 12:00.
• Refer to him as "Osama-osama-fee-fi-fo-fama bin Laden."
• Ask whether suicide bombers have to pay union dues.
• Tell him it's lovely what he's done with his cave, but that it'd look much nicer covered with huge, smoking craters.
• At dinner, imply that the Northern Alliance has much prettier place settings.
• Claim you once saw him at a Hooter's in Muncie wearing a yarmulke.
• Ask him if he wouldn't mind if you opened the door and shined your laser pointer on his forehead for a few minutes.
• Tell him that this is the worst pajama party you've ever attended.
• Ask for some pork rinds and a good brew to wash them down.
• Mix up his Rubik's Cube.
• Ask him if he provides his employees with a 401K plan.
• Compliment him on all his poppies outside, but mention that a few day lilies would be a nice accent.
• Run your finger along his credenza, and say, "tsk, tsk" if there's dust.
• Ask whether the Taliban is hoping to be bombed ahead into the Stone Age, or perhaps the Iron Age if enough shell casings survive.
• Explain that America is a land of freedom and opportunity, filled with people of every race, religion, and background, including millions of women strong enough to knock the crap out of him.
• Claim that they serve much better falafel at the public executions in Sudan.
• Ask him if he's pursuing the Lesser Jihad, the Greater Jihad, or the "Completely Whacked Out of his Freaking Gourd" Jihad.
• Swirl your drink thoughtfully and mention, "Just think, in a few weeks you might fit in this glass!"
• Check to see if Saddam is on his speed-dial list.
• They have to wait a few years to see current television shows in Afghanistan, so give away the secret of who's having a baby on "Friends."
• Warn him that you're "in a New York state of mind."
• Mention that his wives look quite fetching in their burkas, and ask whether they've ever thought of modeling.
• Ask him, "Say, where do you keep all those Stinger missiles?" just in case he'll be caught off guard and answer correctly.
• Give him a "noogie" or a "wedgie." If there's actually still a flush toilet left in Afghanistan, give him a "swirlie".
• Ask to borrow his hedge trimmer and never give it back.
• Play a game of Monopoly with him. Make him play the thimble. See if he charges interest. Claim that his properties are your "holy lands" and blow up his hotels.
• Fish out the secret toy surprises in all his cereal boxes.
• Offer to take him "clubbing" in Tel Aviv with your friends Saul and Ivan.
• Ask him which Ninja Turtle is his favorite.
• Give him your cell phone as a gift and ask him to leave it on for a few days so your friends can call and say hi.
• When you leave, wave and say, "Shalom!"

At the Russian War College, the general is a guest lecturer and tells the class of officers that the session will focus on potential problems and the resulting strategies. One of the officers in the class begins by asking the first question, "Will we have to fight a World War Three?"

"Yes, comrades, looks like you will," answers the general.

"And who will be our enemy, Comrade General?" another officer asks.

"The likelihood is that it will be China."

The class looks alarmed, and finally one officer asks, "But Comrade General, we are 150 million people and they are about 1.5 billion. How can we possibly win?"

"Well," replies the general, "Think about it. In modern war, it is not the quantity, but the quality that is the key. For example, in the Middle East, 5 million Jews fight against 50 million Arabs, and the Jews have been the winners every time."

"But sir," asks the panicky officer, "Do we have enough Jews?"