Drunks

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.
Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

A man walks into a bar and orders a shot then looks into his pocket. he does this over and over again. finally the bartender asks why he orders a shot and after drinking it he looks into his pocket. the man responded " i have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good then i'll go home."

A drunk is refused a drink in a bar, so he undertakes to prove to the barman that he is sober.

He gestures toward a cat near the doorway and says, "You see that cat coming in the door? It has two eyes. If I were drunk, I'd see four!"

The bartender looks, then pauses a moment. Finally he responds, "You're drunker than I thought!", taking the rest of the alcohol away, "That cat isn't coming in, it's going out!"

A man walks into a bar on the top floor of a skyscraper. He sits down and orders a beer. After taking a drink he sees the guy next to him go over to the window and jump out!
"Holy cow! Did you see that!? That guy just jumped out the window!"

The bartender does nothing.

So the man takes another sip. A minute later the same guy walks in, orders another drink, chugs it, and jumps out the window again.

"Jesus! He just jumped again!"

The bartender ignores the man.

So the man sits puzzled. The guy comes back into the bar, and orders another drink.

"How did you survive that jump?"..

"I ordered a floatie drink, if you drink it in a certain amount of time, you can float."

So the guy quickly orders a 'floatie' drink. He takes it from the bartender, and chugs it. He then jumps out the window and...

SPLAT! Right on the sidewalk!

The Bartender then says, "You know, Superman...you can be a real jerk when you're drunk."

A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers. At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes.

When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off.

When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0.

The cop says, 'How is this possible?' The guy says,'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.
Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?".

The Irishman replies, "Oh...

I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

Sign seen in a bar:

"Those drinking to forget please pay in advance."

A guy walked into a bar and said "Beers for everyone, even you, Bartender."

But when it was time to pay, the guy didn't have the money, so the bartender beat him up.

The next day the guy did the same thing, ordered a beer for everyone, even the bartender, and the bartender beat him up since the guy couldn't pay.

Then the next day, the guy said "Beers for everyone! But not you, bartender!"

The bartender said "Why?"

The guy replyed "You're violent when you're drunk!"

There was this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. After he didn't move for a half-an-hour, this big trouble-making truck driver stepped up right next to him, took the drink from the guy, and just drank it all down.

The poor man started crying. The truck driver turned and said: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."

"No, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss became outraged and then fired me.

"When I left the building to my car, I found out that it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I then got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab.

"I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home depressed and came to this bar. And now, when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, YOU show up and drink my poison ..."

A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey. "If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it.

But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise."