Doctor Jokes

Most dentists chairs go up and down, don't they?

The one I was in went back and forwards.

I thought, "This is unusual."

The dentist said to me, "Mr. Owens, get out of the filing cabinet."

Don't you just hate it when you go to the doctor, and you're sitting on the examination table telling him about your symptoms, and with each new one you describe, he backs a little further away?

A man went to the doctor for a check up. "How do you feel?" asked the doctor. "Fine." he replied. After a few more general health questions the doctor asked, "How many times do you have sex per month?" "About two or three." the man replied. "You should be doing better than that." the doctor offered. "Take these pills and come back in a month." The man did and a month later he was again asked by the doctor, "How many times did you have sex last month?" "About two or three times." the man answered again. "I can't understand it," the doctor continued, "you should be doing much better than that." "I don't know," replied the man, "that's not bad for having no car and a small parish."

A woman had some problems, so she went to her doctor of twenty years.

They had the following conversation:

- Dr.: Take the red pill after breakfast with one glass of water.

- Woman: Ok.

- Dr.: Take the blue pill after lunch with two glasses of water.

- Woman: Ok.

- Dr.: Take the yellow pill after dinner with three glasses of water.

After giving these instructions to the woman, she asks, "Can you tell me what's wrong with me Dr.?"

- Dr.: Yeah. You do not drink enough water.

Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
→ When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.

A woman visits her physician. After waiting for a while it's finally her turn. She enters the doctors' office and sits down. The PhD asks her: "Well, what can I do for you madam?".

The patient blushes and the PhD sees that apparently she is embarrassed so he says: "You can discuss any matter with me, everything is strictly confidential."

So the patient says: "My husband complains that my pussy smells bad, is there a cure for this?"

"Sure", the doctor says, "It can be a fungus, or a little infection, nothing unusual, please undress and lay down, so I can examine you and prescribe a treatment."

The woman undresses, gets up the bed and with her legs spread waits until the doctor attends her. He comes in, walks towards her, starts gasping for air, covers his mouth and nose with a hand and runs out of the office. After a minute or so, he enters again, covering his mouth and nose with one hand and a 7 feet wooden stick with an iron hook on it in the other hand.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaagh, what will you do to me?" shouts the patient.

"Nothing", says the doctor, "I'm just going to open the roof window a little."

The young lady entered the doctor's office carrying an infant. "Doctor," she explained, "the baby seems to be ailing. Instead of gaining weight, he lost three ounces this week." The medic examined the child and then started to squeeze the girl's breasts. He then unbuttoned her blouse, removed the bra and began powerfully sucking on one nipple. "Young lady," he finally announced, "no wonder the baby is losing weight, you haven't any milk!" "Of course not!" she shrieked. "It's not my child, it's my sister's!"

A young lady walks into a doctors office. "Doctor I'm suffering from a terrible discharge" The Doctor lays her down lifts up her dress and has a good probe around and says "how does that feel?" Young lady, "Oooh doctor that feels lovely..... ...but the discharge is from my ear!!"

A mute was walking down the street one day and chanced upon a friend of his, also a mute. In sign language, he inquired how his friend had been doing. The friend replied (vocally!) "Oh, can that hand-waving shit. I can talk now."

Intrigued, the mute pressed him for details. Seems he had gone to a specialist, who, seeing no physical damage, had put him on a treatment program that had restored the use of his vocal chords.

Gesturing wildly, the mute asked if he might meet this specialist. They got an appointment that very afternoon.

After an exam, the specialist proclaimed that he had found no permanent damage. The mute was essentially in the same condition as his buddy, and that there was no reason why he couldn't be helped as well.

"Yes, yes" signed the mute. "Let's have the first treatment right now!"

"Very well," replied the specialist.

"Kindly go into the next room, drop your pants and lean over the examining table. I'll be right in."

The mute does as instructed, and the doctor sneaked in carrying a broomstick, mallet and jar of Vaseline. Greasing the broom handle, he 'sent it home' with a deft swipe of the mallet.

The mute jumped from the table, screaming, "AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaa!!!"

"VERY good," smiled the doctor. "Next Tuesday, we work on 'B'."

A man goes into the doctor's office feeling really bad. After a thorough examination the doctor calls him into his office and says "I have some bad news. You have HAGS." "What is HAGS" the man asks. "It's herpes, AIDS, gonorrhea, and syphilis" says the doctor. "Oh my God" says the man. "What are you going to do?"

"We are going to put you in an isolated room and feed you pancakes and pizza." "Is that going to help me" says the man. "No" says the doctor. "But it's the only food we can think of that we can slide under the door"