Doctor Jokes

IF DR SEUSS WROTE AN EPISODE OF ER

- Kerry: Now Mark, I think this ER's great, But... there are problems that can't wait! Now Benton's fine, and Carter too, But Ross and Susan just won't do! Now who do you think that we should hire, Since both of them today I'll fire?

- Mark: Kerry, maybe we should wait and see...

- Kerry: That's great Mark! I knew you would agree...

- Jerry: Dr. Weaver? Sorry to interrupt... But the paramedics just pulled up.

- Mark: Ok, I'm here. What have you got?

- Shep: This little boy has just been shot! His pulse is faint, his breath is weak. We did all we could to stop the leak.

- Riley: And this woman here, she has a broken hip...

- Carol: How did she fall? How did she trip?

- Shep: The kid's mom was getting in my hair, So I shoved her--lightly--down some stairs.

- Mark: Benton, Kerry! Take the mom to three! Doug and Susan! Come with me!

- Riley: But wait, but wait! Oh don't you see? We've got some more; one, two, and three.

- Kerry: You've got three more? How can this be? Explain it, tell it all to me!

- Riley: Well, Shep was driving. Really fast. A light turned red. Shep hit the gas. We hit a car, it hit two more. Soon the total rose by four. Another bang! Another crash! But we couldn't stay, we had to dash! We grabbed these three but I am sure, The injured totaled sixty score!

- Carter: These people really are a mess! Their injuries I cannot guess! It makes me sick, my knees are weak, A toilet I must soon go seek...

- Benton: It's ok Carter! Stay on your toes! It doesn't get worse than this you know! To Trauma four let's take these three. You can do it, come with me!

- Green: Ok, let's get this boy on the table. To save his life if we are able!

- Haleh: Dr. Green! This boy is cyanotic! I can't find a pulse... oh, wait I've got it! But it is weak! Oh, woe is us!

- Doug: Give him saline! IV push! CBC, chem 7, stat! We will save him, bet on that! Oh no, he's showing poor perfusion! Lydia, start a blood transfusion!

- Lydia: But Dr. Ross, I hate to say. The blood bank didn't come today! We're out of blood, I can't believe!

- Doug: Here, use mine! (rolls up his sleeve)

- Kerry: We need some help! There's been a crash! Someone's heart stopped with a flash! But Dr. Benton saved the day, And Carter's going to be ok.

- Susan: What can I do, where can I go? I'm not incompetent you know! I deserve a chance and with good reason, I only killed one guy last season!

- Mark: It's fine! It's done, the kid's ok. We're sending him up on his way. To surgery he's off to go, They must sew up that bullet hole. But Dr. Ross, he's out of sorts... We had to take a dozen quarts.

- Benton: Ok, we're done. I did it all. I used a double breasted suture saw. I closed them up, I fixed their ills. I patched their wounds, I gave them pills. I have their livers in this sack. I did it all, behind my back. I need more patients, give me more! I just cured three, now give me four!

- Carter: What happened? Did I miss it all? I saw some blood. I took a fall. But it doesn't matter, we saved the day!

- Carol: Get ready! There's more on the way!

Why did the blonde take her typewriter to the doctor?
→ She thought it was pregnant because it missed a period.

• ARTERY--The study of fine paintings.
• BARIUM--What you do when CPR fails.
• BENIGN--What yoiu are after you be8.
• CAESAREAN SECTION--A district in Rome.
• COLIC--A sheep dog.
• COMA--A punctuation mark.
• CONGENITAL--Friendly.
• DILATE--To live longer.
• FESTER--Quicker.
• G.I. SERIES--Baseball game between teams of soldiers.
• GRIPPE--A suitcase.
• HANGNAIL--A coat hook.
• MEDICAL STAFF--A Doctor's cane.
• MINOR OPERATION--Coal digging.
• MORBID--A higher offer.
• NODE--Was aware of.
• ORGANIC--Church musician.
• OUTPATIENT--A person who has fainted.
• POST-OPERATIVE--A letter carrier.
• PROTEIN--In favor of young people.
• SECRETION--Hiding anything.
• SEROLOGY--Study of English knighthood.
• TABLET--A small table.
• TUMOR--An extra pair.
• URINE--Opposite of you're out.
• VARICOSE VEINS--Veins which are very close together.

Mary went to the doctor complaining of body odor.

"Do you wash?" the doctor asked the smelly young girl.

"Oh, yes," Mary answered. "Each morning, I start at my head and wash down as far as possible. Then I start at my feet and I wash up as far as possible."

"Well," the doctor concluded, "Go home and wash 'possible'!!!"

A woman goes to the doctor's and says, "Doctor, Doctor, you have to help me. Every time I go to the bathroom, DIMES come out!"

The doctor tells her to relax, go home, rest with her feet up and come back in a week.

A week later the woman returns and says, "Doctor, Doctor, it's gotten worse! Every time I go to the bathroom, QUARTERS come out!! What's wrong with me?"

Again the doctor tells her to relax, go home, rest with her feet up and come back in a week. Another week passes and the woman returns and yells, "Doctor, Doctor, I'm still not getting better! Every time I go to the bathroom, HALF-DOLLARS come out! WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME?!!"

The doctor says, "Relax, Relax,... you're just going through your change!"

This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining her he says: "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth."

The woman then says: "Ooooohhhh, the pain is so awful I'd rather have a baby!"

To which the dentist replies, "Make up your mind lady, I'll have to adjust the chair!"

I was in the waiting room of my doctor's office the other day when the doctor started yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!" I went up to the nurse and asked her what was going on.

She told me that the doctor liked to call the shots.

A mother was anxiously awaiting her daughter`s plane. She had just come back from a far away land trying to find adventure.

As the daughter was exiting the plane, the mother noticed a man directly behind her daughter dressed in feathers with exotic markings all over his body and carrying a shrunken head. The daughter introduced this man as her new husband.

The mother gasped in disbelief and disappointment and screamed, "I said for you to marry a Rich Doctor! a Rich Doctor!"

A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off.

The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again.

When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again.

This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away.

The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again.

It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off.

The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an ambulance. He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life.

The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked the man what happened, so the man explained about the 6 foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing.

The doctor thought for a moment and said...

"Yes, there's a nasty bug going around."

An elderly woman went into the doctor`s office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I`d like to have some birth-control pills."

Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you`re 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"

The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."

The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"

The woman said, "Simple, I put them in my granddaughter`s orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night."