Doctor Jokes

- Help me, doctor! Little Tommy's swallowed the can-opener!

- Don't panic. He'll be alright.

- But how do I open the friggin beans, the toast's getting cold!

- Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up; something to put me in a fighting mood. Did you put something like that in this prescription?

- No need for that. You will find that in your bill.

- Did you know that there are more than 1,000 bones in the human body?

- Shhh, doctor! My dog's outside in the waiting room!

- Doctor, you've gotta help me. I eat apples, apples later come out into the toilet. I eat bananas, bananas come out.

- That's easy. Eat shit!

- My daughter believes in preventative medicine, doctor.

- Oh, really?

- Yes, she tries to prevent me from making her take it!

- How can I lose twelve pounds of ugly fat?

- Cut your head off!

- Look here, doc! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place!

- I am, bit by bit!

Interns think of God, residents pray to God, doctors talk to God, nurses ARE God!

- I get so nervous and frightened during driving tests!

- Never mind, you'll pass eventually.

- But I'm the examiner!

- My tummy is getting awfully big, doctor.

- You should diet.

- Really? What color?