Dirty Jokes

Researchers say they've discovered a tree extract that could help to prevent herpes...

Must be a rubber tree...

In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

Two guys were on a long drive back from a fishing trip, when one turned to the other and said he needed to go to the bathroom. So they stopped the truck and he went behind the bushes. When he came back the other said "That was fast."

"Well I need to take a shit but I've got nothing to wipe my ass with."

The other answers, "That's easy just go on back, pull out a dollar, and wipe your ass with it."

"O.K." he says as he goes back over to the bush.

Later he comes back with a really upset look on his face and shit all over his hands and says "That was a terrible idea. Not only did I get shit all over me, I've got 10 Dimes Stuck up my ass!"

Out on the town one night, a young lad successfully chats up an attractive female, and they go back to her place. "You can't make any noise," she warns him. "My parents are upstairs and if they find out they'll kill us!"

Things start getting heated on the sofa, but after a while alcohol gets the better of the man's bladder. "I have to go," he says.

"Well you can't go upstairs, it's right next to my parents' bedroom," she replies. "Use the kitchen sink". So he dutifully retires to the kitchen.

A few minutes later, he pops his head round the door and asks... "Do you have any toilet paper?"

When is the best time to fake an orgasm?
→ When a rotteweiler is f**king your leg.

Ex-President Clinton is currently writing a new National Anthem.

It's called, "Yank My Doodle, It's a Dandy."

Why don't Blondes use vibrators anymore?
→ Because they keep chipping their teeth !!!

How did Dairy Queen (U.S. restaurant) get Pregnant?
→ Burger King showed her it's Whopper.

What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
→ Well Hung.

Vito and Vladimir

There were two guys who wanted to pick up women on a beach. One was Italian (Vito) and the other was Russian (Vladimir). Vito had no problem picking up gorgeous women; he was the most popular guy on the beach. But Vladimir had no success.

- Vladimir: Vito! How do you do it? How do you attract so many beautiful women?

- Vito: Well, I'll tell ya! But it's a secret . . just between you and me. I don't want my system to become too public.

- Vladimir: OK. It's a deal.

- Vito: You see those potatoes over there? Well, every time I come to the beach I take one and put it in my Speedo. When the women see it, they come running from miles around.

- Vladimir: That's it? I can do that.

The next day, Vladimir went over to the produce stand and picked out the biggest, most perfectly shaped potato he could find. He then went into the changing room and slipped it into his Speedo. As he walked out onto the beach, he immediately noticed that women . . . and men began to notice him. "It's working, he thought." But soon he began to realize that they were not looking interested but rather upset, almost disgusted by the sight of him.

He rushed over to Vito and asked "Vito, what's the problem? Why isn't it working?"

- Vito: Because you're supposed to put the potato in the FRONT!!