Dirty Jokes

Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, "I want you to help me get a divorce."
The Lawyer says OK, what are your grounds.
"My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with."
"What do you mean?" asked the attorney. "Does he force you to indulge in unusual sex practices?"
"No," replied the woman, "and neither does the little queer."

A couple gets married, and thirty years later they're in the same hotel, in the same room. She takes off all her clothes, lies back on the bed, and spreads her legs. Her husband starts to cry. She says, "What's the matter?" He says, "Thirty years ago I couldn't wait to eat it. Now it looks like it can't wait to eat me."

The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.
"What would you like to do next?" he asked.
"I wanna be weighed," she said. So the young man took her over to the weight guessed.

"One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right.

Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.
"I wanna be weighed," she said.
I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.
The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"
"Wousy," said the girl.

The moon shown silver on the waters of the lake, and the waves that were beating on the shore were hardly equal in intensity to the waves of passion nearby. One ardent couple paused long enough for the young man to whisper, "Darling am I the first man to make love to you?"

Her tone upon answering was slightly more than irritable. "Of course you are!" she said. "And also the best too. I don't know why you men always ask the same old ridiculous questions."

Night. A sleeping couple is lying in a bed. Door bell rings. A couple wakes up.

- Woman: Quick! My husband is back!

Man jumps out from a window. Flying down he starts to think: "Shit! But I am the husband!"

- Wife: Who was that on the phone?

- Husband: Wrong number. Some guy thought this was the weather bureau.

- Wife: What did he say?

- Husband: He asked if the coast was clear...

A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his Wet Willy in a vise. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw. The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to...to...cut it off, are you???!?" The husband said, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."

A big fat housewife is on her hands and knees, scrubbing the kitchen floor, when she suddenly yells to her husband, "Come here quick, Charlie! I'm paralyzed! I can't get up!" He comes in, takes a look, and says, "Stand up, you silly old bat. You're kneeling on one of your tits."

Here's a sick one...

So at the funeral home, the widow instructs the mortician to cut off her late husband's penis and shove it up his rectum. The mortician objects, but threatening not to pay, he relents. Later, at the coffin closing, the wife bends down to kiss her husband goodbye, and she sees a tear coming from his eye. She says "Hurts doesn't it, you son of a bitch!"

The office playboy had a date with an attractive young woman. The next day someone asked him how things had gone. "She uses too many four-letter words for me," was the reply. "Really?" "Yes," answered the playboy. "All evening long she was saying "don't" and "stop" and "quit that."