Dirty Jokes

The horny midget found that the best way to make time with women was to be direct about it. So he went up to the tallest blondest woman at the party and said:

- Hey, honey, whaddaya say to a little fuck?

She looked down at him and promptly replied:

- Hello, you little fuck!

The three dwarves were in Rome and went to the nearest nunnery. They got to talk to the Mother Superior.

- Excuse us, but can you tell us where the dwarf nuns are?

- Sorry, but there are no dwarf nuns here.

- Well, are there any in the city?

- No, there are no dwarf nuns.

- What, none anywhere in Europe?

- No, little man. None in the entire world. Take my word for it.

At this 6 of the seven dwarves burst out laughing.

The Mother Superior asks:

- What's so funny?

- Dopey just fucked a penguin.

A mother and daughter are sitting down over afternoon tea. The mother wants to show her daughter that she's a hip parent and tries to get her daughter to open up and talk about dating boys and what it's like for her.

- Mom: So....now that you have started dating, what's it like getting intimate with young men?

- Daughter: Oh you know how it is, boys are always insensitive and never care if intimacy isn't working for me.

- Mom: How?

- Daughter: Oh, stuff....

- Mom: Really now, you can trust me. I think that its important for mothers and daughters to talk about these matters...

- Daughter: I don't know.....

- Mom: Now don't forget, I was a teenager once and I can remember what dating boys was like for me, believe I remember

- Daughter: Really?

- Mom: Really...

- Daughter: Ok, for starters, how did you get their cum out of your eyes?

Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they're trying to one-up each other.

The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor. The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.

Young woman number three says:

- Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have many material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that fourteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis.

After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says:

- Girls, I've got a confession to make: I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera, it's to my folks' house in Terre Haute for two weeks.

The second one says:

- Your honesty has shamed me. It's not a Mercedes; it's a Plymouth.

Well, I've got a confession to make myself: Canary number fourteen has to stand on one leg.

A guy steps into an elevator and there's just one attractive woman in it. He turns around to push the button for his floor and his elbow bumps right into her breast. He says, "Oh, I'm so sorry. If your heart is as soft as your breast, I hope you'll be able to forgive me." She looks at him a few seconds and says, "That's all right. If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 204."

Grandma Saperstein and Grandpa Rabinowitz are sitting on the veranda of the old folks home rocking back and forth in their rocking chairs. Grandpa Rabinowitz rocks forward in his chair and says to Grandma:

- Fuck you!

Grandma Saperstein rocks forward in her chair and says to Grandpa:

- Fuck you too!

Grandpa becomes very much excited and shouts:

- Fuck you! swinging more forward again.

Grandma remains graceful but leans forward and says:

- Fuck you again.

This goes on for about 10 minutes. Finally Grandpa says:

- You know something, Grandma, this oral sex thing ain't all it's cracked up to be.

In 1993, the University of Kentucky did a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $ 80,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the study was published, the University of South Carolina decided to do their own study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

The University of Georgia, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

This girl I know told me she was so horny her own tongue's starting to feel good in her mouth.

I think my wife is getting a little nearsighted.

I woke up this morning, she was sucking on the bedpost.

Mike and Keith are playing golf one hot Sunday afternoon. While approaching the sixteenth hole, they notice an old golfer teeing up by himself. The two friends stop and wait for the older golfer to finish his hole. After the old man drives the ball a considerable distance down the fairway, he collapses on the green. Mike and Keith run up the fellow to help. After feeling the old man's pulse, Mike tells Keith to run to the club house and call 911.

Keith leaves and returns about two minutes later after making the call. Upon returning Keith, sees the old man naked and bent over a nearby bench. Meanwhile, Mike is screwing the unconscious man vigorously. Keith in astonishment says:

- Hey, What are you doing? I thought you were going to give him CPR.

Mike replies:

- Well, it started off that way.