Random joke from this category
After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past:
- C'mon, tell me - she asked for the thousandth time - how many women have you slept with?
- Baby - he protested - if I told you, you'd throw a fit.
Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.
- Okay - he said - One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13..
Questions:
Answers:
Now Really! Just what were you thinking?
Recent Canadian government research has shown that cigarette smoking not only impairs sexual ability, it actually causes shrinkage of the male sexual "equipment." Wow! If that is true, we need to get the word out ASAP! Maybe the warning on the cigarette packs should be updated to reflect this new information. How about something like this:
- Warning: These cigarettes are king size -- how about you?
- Warning: Smoking sections in restaurants aren't the only things getting smaller.
- Warning: If you don't reduce your smoking, your smoking will reduce you.
- Warning: Smoking may lead to ridicule on your honeymoon.
- Warning: Smoke rises, but you may not.
- Warning: Second-hand smoke can be harmful to children -- That is.. if you're capable of conceiving any.
- Warning: Cigarettes get shorter the more you puff -- so do you.
- Warning: How can you enjoy a smoke afterwards, if there's no before?
- Warning: The only thing left after a smoke is a dead stub.
- Warning: Don't throw lit cigarettes in the urinal -- you might not have the range to put them out.
This guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex:
- Doc, I think my dick is just too damn small - he says.
The doctor asks him which drink he prefers.
- Well, American beer - he replies quite bemused.
- Aaaahhh. There's your problem, it shrinks things, those silly American beers.. you should try drinking Guinness. That makes things grow.
Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face. He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.
- I take it you now drink Guinness? - asked the doctor.
- Oh no, Doc - replies the man - but I've got the wife on American beer!
- Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play. Normally one club and two (2) balls.
- Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the holes.
- Owner of the course must approve the equipment before may begin.
- For most effective play, the club must have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft stiffness before play begins.
- Course owners reserve the right to restrict the shaft length to avoid any damage to the course.
- Unlike outdoor golf, the goal is to get the club into the hole, while keeping the balls out.
- The object of the game is to take as many strokes as deemed necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course in the future.
- It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention being given to the well formed bunkers.
- Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they may have played or currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.
- Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.
- Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.
- Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.
- Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the request of the course owner.
- It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
- The course owner will be the sole judge as to who is the best player.
- Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner, and the rules are subject to change. For this reason many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.
Three couples got married and spent their honeymoons at the same hotel, where they were all attended to by Jeff, the bellboy.
The first man married a nurse. Jeff showed them to their room, all the while thinking to himself:
- Lucky guy! Nurses are known to be hot to trot.
The second man married a telephone operator. Jeff showed them to their room, while thinking to himself:
- Wow, he's one lucky dude. Telephone operators have such sexy voices and once you pop that top button.. Va-voom.
The third man married a school teacher. Jeff showed them to their room and thought to himself:
- Poor sap. She may be pretty, but teachers are way too frigid.
At 5:30 the following morning, Jeff reported to work. He expected the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute, but was sure the other two wouldn't call until much later in the day.
The phone rang at 6 a.m. and it was the nurse's husband wanting breakfast. Jeff took breakfast up to the room and when the husband opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man's pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.
- Sir, what happened? - asked Jeff.
- You married a nurse.
- Son, don't ever marry a nurse - the man sourly replied.
- All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying, 'You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary'.
The phone rang again at 6:30 a.m. and this time it was the telephone operator's husband calling for breakfast. Jeff took it to the room as quickly as possible. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man's hair was neatly combed and his pajamas nicely pressed.
- What happened? - Jeff asked with surprise.
- Telephone operators as supposed to be as sexy as their voices.
- Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator - the man groaned.
- All I heard last night was her nasal voice saying, 'Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up'.
Jeff returned to his desk, sure that the teacher's husband would be calling at any moment. Finally, at 4 p.m., the teacher's husband called for breakfast. Jeff couldn't believe it, but quickly took the breakfast to the couple's room. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man was wearing only a pair of boxers, his hair was a mess, and there were scratches all over his chest, arms and legs.
- My goodness sir, what happened to you? - Jeff asked, fearing the worst.
- Did you have a fight?
The man, grinning from ear to ear, happily replied:
- No. Son, when you marry be sure it's to a school teacher.
- All I heard last night was her sexy, smooth voice saying, 'We're going to do this over, and over, and over again, until we get it right'.
Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said:
- I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped.
His buddy said:
- I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!
So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked:
- Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?
- She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'.
A man is talking to his best friend about married life.
- You know - he says, - I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to me. But there's always that doubt.
His friend says:
- Yeah, I know what you mean.
A couple of weeks later the man has to go out of town on business. Before he goes, he gets together with his friend.
- While I'm away, could you do me a favor? Could you watch my house and see if there is anything fishy going on? I mean, I trust my wife but there's always that doubt.
The friend agrees to help out, and the man leaves town. Two weeks later he comes back and meets his friend.
- So did anything happen?
- I have some bad news for you - says the friend.
- The day after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. The horn honked and your wife ran out and got into the car and they drove away. Later, after dark, the car came back. I saw your wife and a strange man get out. They went into the house and I saw a light go on, so I ran over and looked in the window. Your wife was kissing the man. Then he took off his shirt. Then she took off her blouse. Then they turned off the light.
- Then what happened? - says the man.
- I don't know. It was too dark to see.
- Damn, you see what I mean? There's always that doubt.
I know I haven't known you very long and I shouldn't be asking you for this so soon, but I really need it badly. I haven't had it for a while and I can already feel it going in good and hard and coming out nice and soft. If you would do this for me no one would ever know. I am sure you can satisfy my needs and I'd be very grateful if you would. I am very desperate and I need your help. You must think by now that I have a lot of nerve but I can feel my tongue wrapping around it and sucking out all the juices until it's very dry. I am not going to beat around the bush any longer so.. Do you have a piece of gum?
After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
- There might be some matches in the top drawer - she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.
- Is this your husband? - he inquired nervously.
- No, silly - she replied, snuggling up to him.
- Your boyfriend then? - he asked.
- No, not at all - she said, nibbling away at his ear.
- Well, who is he then? - demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied:
- That's me before the operation.
