Comedian Jokes

I was so poor growing up...

If I wasn't born a boy..

I'd have nothing to play with.

A girl phoned me the other day and said ....

"Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

One day as I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?"

He said, "Because you came home early."

Its been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off.

I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

I was such an ugly kid...

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I was such an ugly baby...

My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

I'm so ugly...

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could... But he pulled through."

I'm so ugly ... My mother had morning sickness - after I was born.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him .... "Do you think we'll ever find them?"

He said, "I don't know kid ... there are so many places they can hide."

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I'm so ugly...

I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.

I went to see my doctor "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" he said...

"I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

Montreal Gazette's Top 50 Jokes from the 1999 Just For Laughs festival.

1. (On going to war over religion:) You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend.
2. I used to smoke pot until I came to the conclusion... what was that conclusion, anyway?
3. (On the difference between men and women:) On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars.
4. Women like posh hotels; there's more for them to steal. Take them to a posh hotel and they all turn into the Artful Dodger.
5. And God said, "Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan."
6. What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? "Hold my purse."
7. The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you're got millions of pals out there. Type in, "Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire" and the computer will say, "Specify type of goat."
8. Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die.
9. I found my wife in bed naked one day next to a Vietnamese guy and a black guy. I took a picture and sent it to Benetton. You never know.
10. Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships.
11. There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do.
12. I was born in Nicaragua and I felt there wasn't enough political instability in my life. So I moved to Quebec.
13. I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms.
14. To make a long story short, Rhett and Scarlett split up in the end.
15. (On American broadcasters' decision to make the puck in NHL hockey broadcasts glow:) Apparently the black puck on the white ice wasn't contrast enough. That's funny, because Americans don't usually have trouble distinguishing black from white.
16. My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: "Well, whose fault is that?"
17. (On the 1-800 hotline number on a jar of pickles:) Who the hell's got pickle questions?
18. (On the necessity of having a 24-hour pickle hotline:) You got brine problems that can't wait until morning?
19. I'd like to help the homeless, but they're never home.
20. My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading.
21. What's with squeegee kids? I mean, they don't really wash the windshield, do they? They simply re-distribute the dirt.
22. Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets a blow job - no matter how bad it is.
23. I have little compassion for people in trailer parks who refuse to move after getting tornado warnings. How hard is it for them to relocate? Their houses have wheels.
24. They had things on the Brady Bunch that I never saw in my house. Breakfast, for example.
25. My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker.
26. The difference between Charles Manson and every woman I've dated is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut the first time you meet him.
27. Montreal's not a city. It's Disney World for alcoholics.
28. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. So I said: "Thyroid problem?"
29. I carry Montreal with me wherever I go. I have a chunk of poutine in my arteries.
30. Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in.
31. Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.
32. The key to a good relationship is they key. Give me back the key.
33. Like my father, I, too, was born in Central America - Nebraska.
34. Things you'll never hear a woman say: "My, what an attractive scrotum!"
35. (On why the side-effects of drugs are always negative:) It's never "positive sexual side-effects." It's never "gigantism," is it?
36. What's with the warning "May contain some nudity"? Well, I have to know for sure.
37. And then there's the diner who asks if the fish at the restaurant is fresh. What are they going to tell you? "No, it's four days old and stinks to high heaven."
38. When I was young, my father had a serious heart attack. He survived, but we lost our house and car. Under the Canadian medicare system, we would have kept the house and car and would have just had to pay the inheritance tax.
39. Wanna play a joke on your chiropractor? The next time he starts working on you, go limp and soil yourself.
40. In Texas, if your name is Carlos, you're a Mexican. In Florida, you're a Cuban. In New York, you're a Puerto Rican. And I come here and I find out I'm an Eskimo.
41. Why do people suck their stomachs in when they weigh themselves? So they can see the scale.
42. I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves.
43. My parents saw the president they loved get shot in the head. I saw my president get head.
44. I'm the second-most-famous person from Timmins, Ontario - after Shania Twain. That's like being the second-most-famous person from Bethlehem. No one cares about Duncan of Bethlehem.
45. I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great Whale or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
46. (On how a full-bodied sort of dad keeps his children fit and trim:) I like to promote fitness by walking around home in my underwear.
47. (On trying to be a good husband by accompanying his wife to parties:) Just before we go in she turns to me and says: "Don't drink too much, don't eat too fast, and..." Oh, man. So why bring me? (Then on departing:) She turned to me and said: "How could you embarrass me like that in front of all my friends?" So I pointed out to her that it was me who vomited.
48. Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay-dungeon master.
49. My mother never saw the irony of call me a son-of-a-bitch.
50. Does Tampax really need it's own Web site? "My cramps are killing me. I'd better head over to the maxi-pad chat room."

SPECIAL BONUS JOKE!!!

51. Men and women clean differently. For example, women dust. Men don't dust. Men need the dust there so they know where to put things back.

This guy is just starting off his career as a ventriliquist and he's going around town looking for a job. He finds one at a local nightclub.

So, on his first night, he's going through his normal routine of blonde jokes. All of a sudden, this blonde stands up in the fourth row and says, "Excuse me, mister, but no physical attribute of mine affects my mental capability!"

The guy is flabbergasted. He stands up and tries to apologize, but is cut off when she says, "You stay out of this, mister. I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to that jerk on your knee!"

A girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.

During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

My father carries around the picture of the kid that came with his wallet.

I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid, there are so many places they can hide."

What's with the people who put carpeting on the lid of their toilet seat? What are they thinking -- "Gosh, if we have a party there may not be enough standing room; I'd better carpet the toilet too."

What's with this weird hotel custom of leaving a piece of chocolate on the pillow? I awoke thinking my brain had hemorrhaged some sort of fecal matter.

Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is THAT about? And which waiter are you tipping, anyway? I think next time I go to a restaurant I'll just say, "Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly."

Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?

Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."

Can't we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don't they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?

If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don't you ever see anyone take one to the beach?

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish sandwich and I realize, Oh my God...

I could be eating a slow learner!" - Lynda Montgomery

"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." - Johnny Carson

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." - Paul Rodriguez

And from George Carlin...

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

If a no-armed man has a gun, is he armed?

If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?

If firefighters fight fires and crime fighters fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight?

If you put a slinky on an escalator, would it go forever?

If all babies are cute why are there so many ugly people in the world?

What's another word for thesaurus?

If you cross a four leaf clover with poison ivy, would you get a rash of good luck?

Who is more foolish, the fool, or the fool who follows him?

When Dr. Kevorkian watches ER does he root against the doctors?

Why do they have Braille number pads at drive-through bank machines?

Is it ok to go door-to-door selling "No Soliciting" signs?

If it was a 3 hour cruise, why did Mrs. Howell have so many clothes?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Why is back pain medication always on the bottom shelf?

If talk is cheap, why is my phone bill so high?

If someone comes up to you and tells you that they're an obsessive compulsive liar, how do you know they're telling the truth?

How can you tell if Don King is having a bad hair day?

Should bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how do you know if it's wrong?

Do bleached blondes just pretend to have more fun?

Did the early settlers ever go on camping trips?

Why are the other lines always moving faster-until you get into one of them?

How can a person get a life sentence & be eligible for parole in 15 years?

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me."

And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." (1996)

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."

Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." and "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."

Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: "I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."

Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Pantheon during his visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of all the clubs that we went to."

Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level, except college and pro."

Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."

Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record in 1992: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play."

Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."

Tommy Lasorda, Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back." (1981)

Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning: "One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?" (1966)

Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team's co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: "I'm going to send the injured co-captain out for the toss next time too." (1981)

Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet." (1991)

Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy no good officiating." (1986)

Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just darker." (1991)

Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: "I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot." (1996)

Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'" (1991)

Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, responded "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."

Jay Leno Jokes from the Tonight Show...

Pharmaceutical companies that make birth control pills are telling teenage girls that taking the pill can help clear up their skin. Do you think that's true? I think there is a better chance of clearing up the boyfriend's skin ...

Fashion experts say that President Bush is helping bring back cowboy boots and cowboy hats. See, so it is not just for male strippers anymore ...

LeAnn Rimes apologized to fans for the quality of her new album. Isn't that unbelievable? If LeAnn Rimes has to apologize for her album, what the heck is Kathie Lee going to do, commit suicide?

In an interview with Vanity Fair magazine, Hugh Hefner admitted having 7 girlfriends, one for each night of the week ... Someone should tell him those are called nurses. He said they all have sex together in the same bed. He said Viagra makes it possible ... I think money makes it possible!

Surgeons in Britain amputated the hand of the world's first hand transplant patient because the guy requested it, after his body rejected it. How depressing is that? It's bad enough getting rejected by women, but guys, when your own hand turns you down?

According to a new government report, the military is running out of bullets. We are running out of ammunition! Oh good ... let's tell our enemies ... that's what I love about our country, you can't tell your sexual preference in the Navy, but you can tell our enemies we're running out of ammunition. "We don't have any bullets, and I can't tell you if I'm gay."

Late Nite Jokes heard on T.V.

"There is now a $5 million dollar bounty on Osama bin Laden. Which marks the first time in history there has ever been a bounty on a guy's head who wears Bounty on his head." (Jay Leno)

"We are starting to learn more about Osama bin Laden. For his birthday one year, somebody gave him a $4 Timex. We know that. He is married to the daughter of a guy named Mullah Muhammed Omar. I think her name is Tiffany Omar. Insiders say that the marriage is not working out. Apparently they are living in separate caves." (David Letterman)

"It looks like now the military action is taking effect. They think that bin Laden's organization is starting to break down. Today satellite photos actually show the sand fleas are leaving his beard." (David Letterman)

"There are now rumors that the Taliban has been poisoning the food we have been dropping. We should make a deal with the people of Afghanistan. We'll taste your food, you check our mail." (Jay Leno)

"People are wondering what will happen to Afghanistan when we're finished fighting there. I'm sure there are plans to rebuild the country, and a lot of times with rebuilding comes a name change. These are some possible name changes the government has been mulling over: Halfghanistan, Pothole-istan, Jenniferanistan, Assbackwardstan, Bye-bye-Talibanstan, Ass-Kicked-istan." (Jay Leno)

"Everybody is talking about finding bin Laden. How about finding Dick Cheney? Where did he go? What have we got caves over here now, too? Where did he go? I think his Secret Service code name is 'Waldo.'" (Jay Leno)

"We are getting more and more insight into the life of Osama bin Laden. Today the Saudi Arabian ambassador to the United States said that bin Laden had an unhappy childhood growing up, 52 brothers and sisters. You think his childhood was unhappy, wait 'til we deliver his mid-life crisis." (Jay Leno)

"There are reports on the news tonight that members of the Taliban feel persecuted and fear their own safety. So now they know what it is like to feel like a woman in their country." (Jay Leno)

More One-liners worth passing on...

Better to be occasionally cheated than perpetually suspicious.

In two words I can sum up everything I've learned about life. S$$T HAPPENS!.

Accept than some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

The best vitamin for making friends: B1.

If you can't be the tablecloth, don't be the dishrag.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.

I'm not just a gardener, I'm a Plant Manager.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

There are two rules for ultimate success in life: (1) Never tell everything you know.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get any worse.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

You'll never be the man your mother was!

Drive defensively. Buy a tank.

Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.

Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.

Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!

God did not create the world in 7 days; he messed around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter.