Business Jokes

Which condom would you use?

Nike Condoms: Just do it.

Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.

Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.

Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.

Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.

Flinstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.

Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but ph balanced for a woman.

Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.

Ford Condoms: The best never rest.

Chevy Condoms: Like a Rock.

Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?

New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey -- you never know.

Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.

EverReady Condoms: Keeps going and going KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.

Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing.

Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.

Well, one day, an idiot looking for a job finally came across a cigarette stand that was accepting anyone as there cashier. After being turned down for every job he filed for, he accepts this low paying job.

One day, a woman comes to the stand, "Hey, sonny, how much do those cigaretts cost?"

"I dont know", replies the stupid cashier.

The woman leaves unsatisfied.

THe boss, having seen this goes up to him and screams "WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DONT KNOW, THEY COST 10 CENTS, GOD!!!!!!"

"10 cents? I will have to remember that" said the cashier.

The next day, another woman comes "hey sonny, how much do those cigaretts cost?"

"10 cents ma'am"

"Really?, are they fresh?"

"I dont know"So the woman leaves.

The boss, having spied this screams "WELL OFCOURSE THEY ARE FRESH YOU NINCOMPOOP, WHAT DO YOU THINK? THEY ARE SOUR OR SOMETHING?"

So the cashier memorizes "Yes, very fresh"The next day, another woman comes and says "Hey sonny, now much do those cigaretts cost?"

"10 cents" He replies.

"Are they fresh?"

"Very fresh"

"Should I buy them?"

"I dont know"So the woman leaves.

The boss having seen this goes to scream at him again "YOU MORON, WHEN SOMEONE SAYS THAT, YOU HAVE TO SAY 'If you dont, somebody else will' OK?"

"ok, gotcha boss"So the next day, the little shop gets robbed by a guy with a gun.

He goes up to the cash register and screams "HEY, how much money is in that cash register?" "10 cents sir"

"WHAT? ARE YOU BEING FRESH TO ME?"

"Yes, very fresh sir"

"SHOULD I SHOOT YOU?"

"If you dont, somebody else will"

The president of ABC decided that it was time to build a new factory. He asked representatives from three development companies to come in and make a bid on the project. The three companies showed up at the scheduled meeting. The president of ABC asked the first company, Bruin Construction, who's president earned his MBA from UCLA, "How much will your company charge for this project?" "2 million," said Bruin. "1 million for materials and 1 million for labor."

Then president then asks the same question to the second company, Cardinal Construction, whose president earned his MBA from Stanford. Cardinal answered, "3 million, 1.5 million for materials, 1.3 million for labor, and 0.2 million for licenses and permits."

Finally, the president asks the last company, Trojan Construction, whose president earned his MBA from USC. Trojan answered, "4 million."

"FOUR MILLION," yelled the president of ABC. "How do you breakdown the cost?"

Trojan replied, "1 million for you, 1 million for me, and 2 million to get the guy from UCLA to build the factory!"

Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.

The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."

The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."

The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."

The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable."

Fifth surgeon said, "I like Engineers. . . they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end. . . "

"ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION"
→ You'll be making under $6 an hour.

"ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY"
→ You're paid under $6 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year.

"AN UP-AND-COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY"
→ There's no chance in hell we'll be the next Microsoft.

"PROFIT-SHARING PLAN"
→ Once it's shared among the brass, you get what's left.

"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
→ We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
→ We have no time to train you. (and/or) Please introduce yourself to your co-workers.

"NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER"
→ Inc. Magazine mentioned us in an article a few years ago.

"IMMEDIATE OPENING"
→ The person who had this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.

"SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER"
→ We can't supply you with leads; (and/or) there's no base salary to speak of; (and/or) you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.

"SELF-MOTIVATED"
→ Don't expect Management to answer questions

"WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS"
→ After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500 deductible and a $35 co-pay.

If restaurants functioned like shrink-wrapped (Microsoft) software:

- Patron: Waiter!

- Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

- Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

- Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

- Patron: No, it's still there.

- Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.

- Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

- Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?

- Patron: A SOUP bowl!

- Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?

- Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!

- Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

- Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

- Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

- Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??

- Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

- Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

- Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

- Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.

[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]

- Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

- Patron: This is potato soup.

- Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

- Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

[waiter leaves.]

- Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

The check:

• Soup of the Day ........... $5.00
• Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day ........ $2.50
• Access to support ........... $1.00

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, but with one catch - he couldn't return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "One million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.

The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer."

A boy was bagging groceries at a supermarket. One day the store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice.

Intrigued, the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine, but his request was denied.

Said the store manager, "Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers."

1. Illiterate? Write today for free help.
2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
3. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
4. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
5. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
6. Stock up and save. Limit: one.
7. Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
8. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
9. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
10. Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
11. Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children = $2.00
12. For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
13. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
14. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
15. For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex. Great Dames for sale.
16. Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
17. Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.
18. Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.
19. Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
20. For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
21. Man, honest. Will take anything.
22. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.
23. Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
24. Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.
25. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
26. Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
27. Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
28. And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
29. We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
30. Free Beer!!. Tomorrow!

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!".

In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!".

The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!".

The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"

"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street."