Blonde Jokes

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you." She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde." The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree.

The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

What's a blonde's favorite wine?
→ "Daddy! can I go to Miami!"

What did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency?
→ She turned it over and used the other side.

How do you change a blonde's mind?
→ Blow in her ear.

What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
→ There are some things even a blonde won't do.

What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
→ She moved.

Why do blondes look up and smile at lightning?
→ They think someone is taking their picture.

What's the difference between a blonde and a trampoline?
→ You take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline!

Why do blondes have square breasts?
→ Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box!

What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
→ You keep hearing about them, but never see any.

Why can't blondes count to 70?
→ Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful.

What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?
→ Some traffic signs say stop.

What did the blonde customer say to the waitress when reading her nametag?
→ "Mary... that's cute. What did you name the other one?"

Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering?
→ The noise gave her a headache.

What is the difference between a blonde and a 747?
→ Not everyone has been in a 747.

What do blondes say after sex?
→ "Thanks, guys!"

There was a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, who were all stranded on an island.

One day they found a genie and he said he would grant them three wishes.

All three of them agreed that each of them would get one wish each.

The brunette said, "I wish I was home in my bed and that this never happened.", and poof her wish was granted.

The redhead said, "I wish that I was at home in my bed and this never happened.", and poof her wish was granted.

Then the blond said, "I wish my friends were here with me."

Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?
→ Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won't follow you around for a week.

What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
→ You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.
→ You can't fit the blonde in the bowling ball.
→ There is no difference. They're both round and have three holes to poke.
→ You don't eat your bowling ball.

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "Screw him, give him a dollar." The blonde then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

A blonde walks into the hairdresser with headphones on. She asks the woman working there for a haircut. The blonde sits down in the chair. The woman takes the blonde's headphones off and cuts her hair. At the end, the woman asks how she likes her hair but, to her surprise the blonde is dead! The woman picks up the headphones and listens.

She hears: "Breathe in...breathe out...breathe in...breathe out."

At a pharmacy, a blonde asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her arms. The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant's weight by weighing the woman and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first. "That won't work," countered the woman. "I'm not the mother, I'm the aunt."

A pretty young blonde visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in. Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation. "Miss Smith," he said finally, "it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination."

TO: Boss
FROM: Blondie
RE: Changing Calendars from Y2K

I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all of the company calendars for next year. The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months:

Januark Februark Mak Julk

I also changed all the days of each week to:

Sundak Mondak Tuesdak Wednesdak Thursdak Fridak Saturdak

We are now Y to K compliant. Have a nice dak!!!