At Work

The job security quiz will help judge how long you'll end up at your current job and what will become of you.

The boss appears at your cubicle and finds you playing DOOM at your desk, you...

• A. Swear to take the game off your hard drive forever, but first make a copy for his kid.
• B. Inform him that you're planting a virus in the program so that everyone who plays it on company time will get reported to Human Resources.
• C. Tell him that whatever he wants will have to wait until you've finished the level.

There's a cush job opening in the mail department, stuffing envelopes with free samples. It pays twice as much as your current position. What do you do?

• A. Meekly suggest to your boss that transferring you might improve the morale of everyone who's been working with you.
• B. Politely ask your boss for a transfer and offer to split the salary increase 50/50 with him.
• C. Barge into your bosses office and demand reassignment so that you, "Won't have to work under someone who should have retired before he became a laughingstock."

When your boss throws a party and invites everyone in the office except you, what do you do?

• A. Stay home and watch 'I Love Lucy' reruns.
• B. Show up at the party anyway, with a really expensive bottle of wine and a briefcase full of small, unmarked bills.
• C. Go over to your bosses house after everyone has left and throw rocks at the windows, shouting obscenities.

Your boss criticizes your work unjustly; what do you do?

• A. Listen politely, and then apologize.
• B. Blame someone else.
• C. Climb on top of your desk, and hold up a piece of paper on which you've written the word "union."

When the CEO parks his car in your spot, you...

• A. Wash and wax it, then leave your business card under the windshield wiper.
• B. Key it ... then tell the CEO's secretary you saw your boss near it, loitering suspiciously.
• C. Key it ... then proudly tell the CEO's secretary that you did it.

Your boss asks you to play Kooky the Clown for his kid's fifth birthday party, what do you do?

• A. Offer to pay for the costume rental and cake, too.
• B. Agree to do it, then blackmail a co-worker into doing it while pretending to be you.
• C. Agree to do it, then show up as yourself and tell the children that Kooky is dead.

The boss accuses you of not keeping the office clean; you...

• A. Clean the office while he supervises.
• B. Tell him that you delegated the job, then fire the underling you supposedly gave the job to.
• C. Clean the office again, but this time, you use your boss' face.

Scoring this test
Mostly A's: You have nothing to worry about. They'll never fire you because you're a doormat.
Mostly B's: You're not just going to keep your job, with your complete disregard for other peoples feelings, you'll positively shoot up the ladder of success. Congratulations! You're a real jerk.
Mostly C's: You are a career kamikaze. The boss would have fired you long ago, but he's terrified of what you might do.

New Corporate Buzz Words for the 90's

• Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
• Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.
• Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, and then leaves.
• Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
• Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.
• Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.
• Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
• Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
• SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
• Squirt the Bird: To transmit a signal to a satellite.
• Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property, and no regrets.
• Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
• Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
• Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in class; the rest were just tourists."
• Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.
• Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
• Going Postal: Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.
• Alpha Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the Alpha Geek around here."
• Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
• Chips and Salsa: Chips = hardware, Salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem is in your chips or your salsa."
• Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.
• GOOD job: A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.
• Irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.
• Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of attacking an electronic device to get it to work again.
• Uninstalled: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a Vice President at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." See also Decruitment.
• Vulcan Nerve Pinch: The taxing hand positions required to reach all the appropriate keys for commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control Key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.

MURPHY'S LAWS ON WORK

• A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
• Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
• The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
• You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
• Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
• Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.
• When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
• If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
• There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
• Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many.
• Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
• This is what I'm doing wrong.
• Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
• Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
• To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.
• Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing.
• Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
• The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong - until the next person quits or is fired.
• There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.
• The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...).
• If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
• You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
• People are always available for work in the past tense.
• If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
• At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
• When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
• You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
• No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
• When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
• The longer the title, the less important the job.
• Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.
• An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
• Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.
• All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own.

Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.

"Yes, Sir." the new recruit replied.

"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

Job Interview Quotations

Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees.

• A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.
• Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.
• Candidate fell and broke arm during interview.
• Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fies in the interviewers office.
• Candidate explained that her long-term goals was to replace the interviewer.
• Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.
• Balding Candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a headpiece.
• Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
• Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions.
• Candidate brought large dog to interview.
• Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up.
• Candidate dozed off during interview.

The employers were also asked to list the "most unusual" questions that have been asked by job candidates.

• "What is it that you people do at this company?"
• "What is the company motto?"
• "Why aren't you in a more interesting business?"
• "What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?"
• "Why do you want references?"
• "Do I have to dress for the next interview?"
• "I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?"
• "Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?"
• "Will the company pay to relocate my horse?"
• "Does your health insurance cover pets?"
• "Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?"
• "Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?"
• "Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?"
• "Why am I here?"

Also included are a number of unusual statement made by candidates during the interview process.

• I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement.
• At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking.
• I feel uneasy indoors.
• Sometimes I feel like smashing things.
• Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars.
• I think that Lincoln was greater than Washington.
• I get excited very easily.
• I am fascinated by fire.
• I like tall women.
• People are always watching me.
• If I get too much change in a store, I always give it back.
• I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker.
• I never get hungry.
• I know who is responsible for most of my troubles
• If the pay was right, I'd travel with the carnival.
• I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me.
• I think I'm going to throw-up

These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in Fortune Magazine:

1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.
3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
4. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.
5. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
6. Its best for employers that I not work with people.
7. Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.
8. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.
9. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
10. I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
11. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
12. Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments.
13. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
14. I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.
15. I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.
16. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meterology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
17. I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.
18. As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.
19. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.
20. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.
21. Note: Please don't miscontrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.
22. Marital status: often. Children: various.
23. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions.
24. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.
25. Finished eighth in my class of ten.
26. References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me.

Baxter Conners
Vice President
Company 203
203 Wall St.
New York, NY 10015

Dear Mr. Conners,

Thank you for your letter of February 17th. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your bank.

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite Company 203's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.

Sincerely,
XXXXXXXX

Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were.

The first was an engineer who said his dog could do math calculations. His dog was named "T-Square", and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle and a triangle, which the dog did with no sweat.

The accountant said he thought his dog was better. His dog was named "Slide Rule". He told him to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back, and divide them into piles of three, which he did with no problem.

The chemist said that was good, but he felt his dog was better. His dog "Measure" was told to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten ounce glass. The dog did this with no problem.

All three men agreed this was very good and that their dogs were equally smart. They all turned to the union member and said, "What can your dog do?".

The Teamster called his dog whose name was "Coffee Break" and said, "Show the fellows what you can do". Coffee Break went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, went to the bathroom on the paper, claimed he injured his back while eating, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, applied for Workmen's Compensation and left for home on sick leave.

So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off!

TO: ALL PERSONNEL
FROM: ACCOUNTING

It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). However, we need to know exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time. Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities. The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job-code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter.

Thank you,
Accounting

Attached: Extended Job-Code List

Code and Explanation

• 5316 Useless Meeting
• 5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting
• 5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting
• 5319 Waiting for Break
• 5320 Waiting for Lunch
• 5321 Waiting for End of Day
• 5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker
• 5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker is Not Present
• 5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend
• 5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Not Interested in Learning
• 5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid
• 5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You
• 5481 Buying Snack
• 5482 Eating Snack
• 5500 Filling Out Timesheet
• 5501 Inventing Timesheet Entries
• 5502 Waiting for Something to Happen
• 5503 Scratching Yourself
• 5504 Sleeping
• 5510 Feeling Bored
• 5511 Feeling Horny
• 5600 Complaining About Lousy Job
• 5601 Complaining About Low Pay
• 5602 Complaining About Long Hours
• 5603 Complaining About Coworker (See Codes #5322 & #5323)
• 5604 Complaining About Boss
• 5605 Complaining About Personal Problems
• 5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining
• 5701 Not Actually Present At Job
• 5702 Suffering From Eight-Hour Flu
• 6102 Ordering Out
• 6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive
• 6104 Taking It Easy While Digesting Food
• 6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit
• 6201 Stealing Company Goods
• 6202 Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company Goods
• 6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls
• 6204 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls to Sell Stolen Company Goods
• 6205 Hiding from Boss
• 6206 Gossip
• 6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding, etc.)
• 6210 Feeling Sorry For Yourself
• 6211 Updating Resume
• 6212 Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Headhunter
• 6213 Out of Office on Interview
• 6221 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching
• 6222 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job
• 6223 Pretending You Like Coworker
• 6224 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks
• 6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing
• 6350 Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl
• 6601 Running your own Business on Company Time (See Code #6603)
• 6602 Complaining
• 6603 Writing a Book on Company Time
• 6611 Staring Into Space
• 6612 Staring At Computer Screen
• 6615 Transcendental Meditation
• 7281 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)
• 7400 Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone
• 7401 Talking With Plumber on Phone
• 7402 Talking With Dentist on Phone
• 7403 Talking With Doctor on Phone
• 7404 Talking With Masseuse on Phone
• 7405 Talking With House Painter on Phone
• 7406 Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone
• 7419 Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone
• 7425 Talking With Mistress/Boy-Toy on Phone
• 7931 Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity
• 8000 Recreational Drug Use
• 8001 Non-recreational Drug Use
• 8002 Liquid Lunch
• 8100 Reading e-mail