At Work

After a two year long study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on corporate America's recreation preferences.

1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: Basketball.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: Bowling.
3. The sport of choice for front line workers is: Football.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: Baseball.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is: Tennis.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: Golf.

Conclusion: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become!

For those of you who may need it...

A Prayer for the Stressed!

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off. And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the behind that I may have to kiss tomorrow.

Help me to always give 100% at work....

• 12% on Monday
• 23% on Tuesday
• 40% on Wednesday
• 20% on Thursday
• 5% on Fridays

And help me to remember ...

When I'm having a really bad day, and it seems that people are trying to piss me off, that it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend my arm and smack the jerk on the head!

The secretary came in late for work for the third day in a row.

The boss called her into his office and said, "Now look Sharon, I know we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over. I expect you to conduct yourself like any other employee around here. Who told you you could come and go as you please around here?"

Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said, "My lawyer."

NAME:
→ I am Applyin

DESIRED POSITION:
→ Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY:
→ $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION:
→ Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:
→ Target for middle-management hostility.

SALARY:
→ Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
→ My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING:
→ It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
→ Any.

PREFERRED HOURS:
→ 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?
→ Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?
→ If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?
→ Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?
→ I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?
→ I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?
→ Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?
→ Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

WHO DO WE CONTACT IN CASE OF AN EMERGENCY?
→ The nearest hospital comes to mind.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?
→ No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE:
→ Sagitarian with Cancer rising.

• In the front yard of a funeral home, "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
• On an electrician's truck, "Let us remove your shorts."
• Outside a radiator repair shop, "Best place in town to take a leak."
• In a non-smoking area, "If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
• On a maternity room door, "Push, Push, Push."
• On a front door, "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
• At an optometrist's office, "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
• On a taxidermist's window, "We really know our stuff."
• On a butcher's window, "Let me meat your needs."
• On a butcher's window, "You can beat our prices, but you can't beat our meat."
• On a fence, "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
• At a car dealership, "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
• Outside a muffler shop, "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
• In a dry cleaner's emporium, "Drop your pants here."
• On a desk in a reception room, "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
• In a veterinarian's waiting room, "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
• At the electric company, "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
• In a Beauty Shop, "Dye now!"
• In a Beauty Shop, "We curl up and Dye for you."
• On the side of a garbage truck, "We've got what it takes to take what you've got." (Burglars please copy.)
• In a restaurant window, "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."
• Inside a bowling alley, "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
• In a cafeteria, "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."

IN PRISON...
You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.

AT WORK.....
You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...
You get three meals a day.

AT WORK.....
You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON...
You get time off for good behavior.

AT WORK.....
You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON...
A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

AT WORK.....
You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON...
You can watch TV and play games.

AT WORK.....
You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...
You get your own toilet.

AT WORK.....
You have to share.

IN PRISON...
They allow your family and friends to visit.

AT WORK.....
You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON...
All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.

AT WORK.....
You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...
You spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.

AT WORK.....
You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON...
There are wardens who are often sadistic.

AT WORK.....
They are called supervisors.

IN PRISON...
You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.

AT WORK.....
You get fired if you get caught.

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.

The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."

The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."

The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."

And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.

Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.

Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!

Moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do!

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitely small, is not exactly zero.
8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.
12. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.
13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.

BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

PRAIRIE DOGGING - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a "cube farm" (an office full of cubicles) and everyone's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

TOURISTS - People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."

TREEWARE - Printed computer software/hardware documentation.

CLM (Career Limiting Move) - Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM. (Also known as CEB - Career Ending Behavior)

OHNOSECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (See CLM)

ADMINISPHERE - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the admini-sphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

DILBERTED - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the engineer in the job-from-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."

SEAGULL MANAGER - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, poops on everything, and then leaves.

SALMON WEEK - The experience of spending an entire week swimming upstream only to die, and someone else get the benefit.

404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. "Don't bother asking him... he's 404, man."

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking an electronic device just right to get it to work again.

How to keep a healthy level of insanity and drive other people insane:

• Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice)
• Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
• Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: 'If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.'
• Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
• Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
• Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
• Dont use any punctuation in your emails
• Ask people what sex they are. When they answer, say "are you sure"?
• Stand in front of your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.