Animal Jokes

Mike Mooney, a Yankee was driving through the south when he decided he wanted to buy a pig. He stopped at a pig farm and told the farmer he wanted to buy a 100 pound pig. The farmer nodded, walked out into the sty, bent over and picked up a pig by its tail with his teeth. The farmer said, "This one will go a little over a 100". Astonished the Yankee said, "Who are you trying to fool? You can't weigh a pig that way". The farmer laughed and called to his young son, "Boy, come over here and weigh that pig for this man".

The boy obliged by bending over and picking up the pig by its tail with his teeth. Turning to his father the boy said, "This here pig weighs about 100 pounds".

The Yankee was having no part of this so in order to convince him the farmer told his son to go to the house and get his mother so she could weigh the pig. After a short delay the son returned and said, "Ma says she will be right down after she's finished weighing the mailman".

Two men were walking through the woods when a large bear walked out into the clearing no more than 50 feet in front of them.

The first man dropped his backpack and dug out a pair of running shoes, then began to furiously attempt to lace them up as the bear slowly approached them. The second man looked at the first, confused, and said, "What are you doing? Running shoes aren't going to help, you can't outrun that bear." "I don't need to," said the first man, "I just need to outrun you."

A city boy was visiting the country and wanted to go hunting. The farmer lent the boy his gun, telling him not to kill any farm animals. The city boy headed off and soon after saw a goat. He managed to creep into range and finally shot it. Not knowing anything about animals, the boy didn't know what he'd killed so he ran to the farmhouse and described his kill to the farmer.

"It had two saggy tits, a beard, a hard head and it stunk like hell!" said the boy.

"Oh, shit!" said the farmer. "You've shot the wife!"

A cowboy along with his horse and dog are captured late one afternoon by hostile Indians. This presents no problem for the horse as the Indians can always use another pony. The dog's fate is some what tenuous but it is certain that the cowboy will be burned at the stake the following sunrise. That evening the Indian chief tells the cowboy that he can have one last wish, within reason, before meeting his ultimate fate the following morning. The cowboy tells the chief that his last request is to see his faithful dog, Rex. When the dog is brought by the Indians the cowboy strokes and pets his companion and whispers something into his ear. At once the dog bounds and runs through the Indian village and over the hill. This does not particularly distress the Indians as they didn't really know what to do with the dog anyway.

At about 8 o'clock that evening the dog returns accompanied by some two dozen hookers from the closest town. Needless to say the braves were delighted at the prospect of an evening's entertainment.

As the orgy wore on through the night, the chief told the cowboy that his stake burning was being postponed as they were all too tired from partying.

The next day, the chief said to the cowboy, "in gratitude for furnishing the ladies last night, I'm going to grant you another request before you are burned at the stake in the morning." Again the cowboy requests to see his faithful dog. When the dog is brought forth the cowboy again strokes and pets his companion and whispers into his ear, "this may be my last chance Rex, so please get it right this time --- go to town and get the posse!"

A man was driving up a steep and narrow mountain road.

A woman was driving down the same road. As they passed each other, the woman leaned out the window and yelled, "Pig!" The man immediately leaned out his window and replied, "Bitch!" They continue on their way and as the man rounded the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

A carpet-layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady.

He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes.

In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.

As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway."

"Now," she said, "if only I could find my parakeet."

Well the King's daughter was into her mid twenties, and the king didn't want his princess to be an old maid.

The princess wasn't the most beautiful of women, and wasn't having any luck finding a suitable husband. The King finally decided to take matters into his own hand.

He had flyers printed up and posted all over the kingdom, "who so ever wishes to marry the princess should appear at the castle at noon, the following Sunday."

Only three suitors arrived at the castle. The king decided to have a test to determine who would get his daughter's hand.

Each suitor would have to climb the castle wall, swim the moat, and then have sex with one of the castle's cows. The first suitor didn't even make it over the wall.

The second suitor made it over the wall, but couldn't swim the moat.

The third suitor, climbed the wall, swam the moat, fucked the cow, and wasn't even tired.

The king went up to him, and said "Congratulations, you are the only one worthy enough to marry my daughter."

And the suitor replied, "Forget your daughter, I want your cow!"

A man walked into the bar and there was a gorilla sitting on a barstool.

The man asked the bartender what the gorilla was doing in the bar so the bartender showed him. He took out a bat and hit the gorilla over the head with it. The animal instantly dropped down and gave the bartender blow job.

The Bartender then asked the man if he would like to try it.

The man said "Sure, but please don't hit me quite so hard".

Ventriliquist cowboy walks into town and sees Indian sitting on his porch.

- Cowboy: Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?

- Indian: Dog no talk.

- Cowboy: Hey dog, hows it going?

- Dog: Doin alright.

- Indian: [extreme look of shock]

- Cowboy: Is this your owner? [pointing at Indian]

- Dog: Yep

- Cowboy: How's he treat you?

- Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.

- Indian: [look of disbelief]

- Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your horse?

- Indian: Horse no talk.

- Cowboy: Hey horse, how's it going?

- Horse: Cool.

- Indian: [extremer look of shock]

- Cowboy: Is this your owner? [pointing at Indian]

- Horse: Yep

- Cowboy: How's he treat you?

- Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.

- Indian: [total look of amazement]

- Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your sheep?

- Indian: Sheep Lie!!

A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy named "Clint", and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to Clint, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?"

Clint says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. Clint grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with Clint.

The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing."

The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?"

Clint says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. Clint leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the Clint. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing."

The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want?" Clint says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse.

Clint grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"