Animal Jokes

There once was this blonde riding a horse. After a while it began to speed up. She was hanging on by the tail and cut her forehead open. After a long struggle, she was able to climb back onto the horse. She then fell off the side and got her foot caught. The horse was now dragging her. She finally got back on the horse with a broken ankle, bruises all over, and she was bleeding from three different spots. Finally, the horse came to a complete stop. Thank goodness that the manager of the K-mart came out and shut the machine off.

A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks:

- Mom why have I got these huge three toed feet?

The mother replies:

- Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand.

- OK - said the son.

A few minutes later the son asks:

- Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?

- They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert.

- Thanks Mom - replies the son.

After a short while, the son returns and asks:

- Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back??

The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies:

- They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods.

- That's great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water. But Mom

- Yes son?

- Why the heck are we in the San Diego Zoo?

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket girl said:

- Sir, what is that on your shoulder?

The old farmer said:

- That is my pet rooster, Chuckie. Wherever I go, Chuckie goes.

- I'm sorry, Sir - said the ticket girl:

- We can't allow animals in the theater. Not even a pet chicken.

The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the chicken down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old emergency room nurses named Mildred and Marge. The movie started and the chicken began to squirm. The old farmer un-zipped his pants so Chuckie could stick his head out and watch the movie.

- Marge - whispered Mildred.

- What? - said Marge.

- I think the guy next to me is a pervert.

- What makes you think so? - asked Marge.

- He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out - whispered Mildred.

- Well, don't worry about it - said Marge:

- At our age it isn't anything we haven't seen before.

- Yes - said Mildred:

- But this one's eating my popcorn!

A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads:

- Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please.

The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth.

The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus.

Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following.

They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again! There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door.

The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him. The butcher runs up and stops the guy:

- What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!

To which the guy responds:

- Clever, my foot! This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!

A man, Bob, and his friend Joe went out hunting. This was Joe's first time ever hunting, so he was following Bob's lead. Bob saw a small herd of deer and told Joe to stay in the exact spot he was and to be quiet! After a few minutes, Bob heard a loud scream. He ran back and asked Joe what had happened.

Joe said:

- There was this snake and he slittered across my feet, but I never screamed. Then there was this bear that came up to me and snarled, but I never screamed.

- So then what did make you scream - Bob asked, exasperated.

- Well - Joe continued:

- two squirells crawled up my pants and I overheard them say, 'Should we take them home or eat 'em now?'

A lady approaches her priest and tells him:

- Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.

- What do they say? - the priest inquired.

- They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'

- That's terrible! - the priest exclaimed:

- but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship.

- Thank you! - the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say:

- Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims:

- Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!

Three women die in a car accident and go to Heaven. Saint Peter meets them at the Gates and welcomes them saying:

- You can do as you please in Heaven, just don't step on any ducks.

The women are puzzled but proceed into Heaven. Looking around, they notice there are ducks everywhere. In a matter of minutes, one of the women steps on a duck. Saint Peter walks up to the woman with a hideously ugly man. Saint Peter shackles the man and the woman together and says:

- For stepping on a duck, you have to spend eternity chained to this ugly man.

The other two women are shocked but go about their business until, sure enough, another woman steps on a duck. Immediately Saint Peter comes and shackles her to another ugly man.

The last woman tries desperately to not step on a duck. After a few months of not stepping on any ducks, Saint Peter walks up to the woman accompanied by a stunningly handsome man. He shackles the woman to the man and after a while, the woman being thrilled to be chained to such a handsome man, says:

- I don't know what I did to deserve this.

The man replies:

- I don't know what you did lady, but I stepped on a duck.

What did the elephant say to the naked man?
→ "It's nice, but can it pick up peanuts?"

It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.

"Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot- I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said:

- OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding.

The rattlesnake said:

- All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes.

The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror. Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted:

- Oh no! I was riding the mare!

What did one flea say to the other flea?
→ Shall we walk or take a dog?