Animal Jokes

A lady is walking down the street to work and she sees a parrot in a pet store. The parrot says to her:

- Hey lady, you are really ugly.

Well, the lady is furious! And she storms past the store to her work.

On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot said to her:

- Hey lady, you are really ugly.

Well, she was incredibly ticked now. The next day she saw the same parrot and the parrot said to her:

- Hey lady, you are really ugly.

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager said, "That's not good." and promised he wouldn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her:

- Hey lady.

She paused and said:

- Yes?

and the bird said:

- You know.

There's this fellow with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells:

- QUIT IT!

But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you," and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invectives that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets VERY quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says:

- Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says:

- By the way, what did the chicken do?

There was an elderly lady who lived by herself. She decided that it would be nice to have a talking parrot to keep her company. So the elderly lady went to the pet store and the owner of the store asked her how much she wished to spend. She was on Social Security so she had only 20 dollars to spend. The owner sadly informed the lady that there was no way she could buy a talking parrot for only 20 dollars.

- But, there is a possibility! - he said.

And the store owner brought out a black myna bird on a perch, and said:

- You can have this myna bird for 20 dollars, but he only speaks one phrase, all he can say is 'WHO IS IT?'...that's the limit of his vocabulary.

The lady was ecstatic. She paid the 20 dollars, and took the bird home. When she got home, she placed the perch near the front door and went out to get a cage and some birdseed, and other items she thought her new companion might like.

After the lady drove off, the man from the butcher shop showed up with his weekly delivery. He knocked on the door.

- Who is it!? - shrieked the myna bird.

- It's the butcher! - said the man.

- Who is it!? - repeated the bird.

- Lady, it's the butcher! ... Who is it!?

- Lady, it's the butcher!

- Who is it!? (now exasperated beyond limit)

- Lady! I said it's the GXxxXaXxed butcher!

- Who is it!?

Then the man suffers a heart attack, and falls dead face onto the ground in front of the front door.

The lady returns from her shopping and sees the dead body, she opens the door and says:

- Oh my god! Who is it?!

...and the myna bird promptly says:

- It's the butcher!!!

Two unemployed guys are talking. One says:

- I'm going to become a lion tamer.

The other replies:

- That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming.

- Yes I do!

- Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?

- Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down.

- Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?

- Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down.

- Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?

- Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him.

- Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?

- Well, then I pick up some of the shit that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage.

- Well, what if there ain't no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?

- Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that.

Once upon a time, there was a river. The Nile River, to be exact. On one side of the river lived the rabbit, and on the other side lived the bear. One fine day, the bear was sitting on a stump, enjoying his breakfest of berries. Then he heard someone yelling at him. It was the rabbit.

- Hey! Hey, Teddy, get your butt over here. I've got something to show you!

- Not now! I'm eating.

- Oh come on! It's really important.

- No way.

- Please. It's urgent.

So the bear decided to go all the way over the wide river. It took him all day and all night to get over to the other side. He nearly drowned. And when he finally got there he was groaning and panting, and wheezing for air.

- Well, rabbit, what did you want to tell me?

- Hey, Teddy, look how many berries are on the other side of the river.

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp:

- Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?

And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks:

- Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?

The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice:

- I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit.

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels. Some monkeys are climbing up, some down. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl:

- I'll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren't any ducks out there, I'm not going hunting.

So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice.

Chester says:

- Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there.

Earl says:

- You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?

Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says:

- I don't believe it where did you get that dog? There really are only two ducks out there!

Chester says:

- Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want, you can get one from him, too.

So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in it's mouth and starts humping Earl's leg. Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says:

- This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!

The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in its mouth and started humping his leg.

The breeder says:

- Earl, all he was trying to tell you was that there are more fucking ducks out there than you can shake a stick at!

The racehorse owner was annoyed with the running of his horse at the race. He turned on the jockey:

- Flaherty, could you not have raced faster?

- Sure I could have, but you know we are supposed to stay on the horse.

A couple were going out for the evening. They'd got ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple got out, the cat shoots back in. They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver:

- He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab:

- Sorry I took so long - he says:

- Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!