Animal Jokes

A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour:

- What's the camel for?

The Sergeant replied:

- Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel.

The captain said:

- Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me.

After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sergeant:

- BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!

The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters. The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant:

- Is that how the enlisted men do it?

The Sergeant replied:

- Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town.

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

An old man died and left his talking parrot to his nephew.

Unfortunately, the old man's language was not the cleanest, and it would seem that the parrot picked up on this. The nephew did not like this, and tried to break the parrot of its swearing habit. He tried everything. He played religious music, he was kind to the bird, he spent long hours trying to teach it manners. Finally, one day, he became so frustrated, he threw the parrot into the freezer.

- There - he said - Maybe he'll cool off in there.

For the first few seconds, the parrot swore a blue streak inside that freezer. Then, suddenly, the parrot fell silent. A few moments later, the nephew heard from within the freezer:

- If you would be so kind as to let me out, I promise to rectify my unsavory vocabulary.

Shocked and surprised, the nephew quickly opened the door and removed the chilly but sedate bird. Before he could say anything, however, the parrot spoke.

- If you don't mind, may I ask what the chicken did?

How many cockroaches does it take to turn on a light?
→ No one knows...when the light comes on they all scatter!

Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter.

However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south. In a short time, ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen.

A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end. But, the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing. Just then a large cat came by and, hearing the chirping, investigated the sounds.

The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.

The moral of the story:

1. Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy.
2. Everyone who gets you out of the crap is not necessarily your friend.
3. And, if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, keep your mouth shut.

What did the fish say when it swam into the concrete wall?
→ "Dam."

What did one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?
→ MMmmmm, tastes like chicken!

Why do seagulls live by the sea?
→ Because if they lived by the bay, they would be called baygulls! (baygull-bagel. ha ha ha.)

What did the baby chick say to his mummy when she laid an Orange?
→ "Look what Marma-Lade!!"

A motorist pulls up to the gas pumps and says:

- fill it up, please

The Attendant notices that the front and back seats of the car are occupied by penguins.

- Hey Buddy - says the attendant to the driver:

- These birds can't be happy like this...they're wild animals, you should take them to a zoo or something..

The motorist agrees to do so.

The next day the guy drives into the filling station and once more the attendant sees the penquins installed in the front and back seats, and they are all wearing sunglasses and holding towels...

- What's this? - he says to the driver:

- I thought you agreed to take these birds to the zoo?

The driver says:

- I did...and they had such a great time that today I'm taking them to the beach.