Animal Jokes

- So you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?

- Yes - their dog is our dog's brother.

How to Feed Elephants by P. Nutts

A blonde was walking down the road with a healthy looking pig under her arm. As she passed the bus stop, someone asked:

- Where did you get that?

The pig replied:

- I won her in a raffle!

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him:

- I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog.

- But how do you know when you are going to land? - he was asked.

- I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground - he answered.

- But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground? - he was again asked. He quickly answered:

- Oh, the dog's leash goes slack.

A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."

Why don't blind people skydive?
→ It scares the heck out of the dog.

Why did the turkey cross the road?
→ To prove he wasn't chicken.

What is a crowbar?
→ A place where crows go to get a drink!

Why do hens lay eggs?
→ If they dropped them, they'd break

David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and terrible vocabulary.

Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude. He was constantly saying polite words and playing soft music, he did anything he could think of. Nothing worked. When he yelled at the bird, the bird got worse. If he shook the bird, the bird got madder and ruder. Finally in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then suddenly, there was quiet.

David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said:

- I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions, so I ask for your forgiveness. I will try to correct my behavior.

David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had changed him when the parrot continued:

- May I ask what the chicken did?