Animal Jokes

What do you get if you cross a nun and a chicken?
→ A pecking order.

How do you identify a bald eagle?
→ All his feathers are combed over to one side.

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty.

He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say:

- Jesus is watching you!

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.

- Jesus is watching you - the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened.
Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot:

- Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?

- Yes - said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot:

- What's your name?

- Clarence - said the bird.

- That's a dumb name for a parrot - sneered the burglar.

- What idiot named you Clarence?

The parrot said:

- The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus.

Why did the rooster cross the road?
→ To get to the chick across the street!

What's a biologist's definition of a graph?
→ An animal with a long neck

An old mountain man in Arkansas was sick and bedridden. He had not been outdoors for a few weeks and had a sharp craving for a meal of wild squirrel. He summoned his half-idiot son into the room and instructed him to go squirrel hunting and bring him back a squirrel or two. He also told his son to be very careful not to shoot the squirrel in the head as he would need its brains later to "tan" the squirrel's pelt. (Tanning a skin using the animal's brains is a common practice in certain areas, it generally takes about one brain to tan one skin).

The idiot son spent most of the day searching the woods for tree squirrels, but was not having any luck. Finally, high up in a sweet-gum tree, he spotted a squirrel's head sticking out from a hole. He remembered his Pa's admonitions to save the brains. After deciding he may not have another chance, he shot it in the head, thus ruining the brains.

His sick Pa was upset:

- I can't tan that skin without no brains! - he said.

- Now what am I a gonna do?

Thinking quickly, he remembered that up on the river there were 3 fisheries biologists doing some field work.

- Well, we're only tanning one squirrel skin, walk up the river and shoot one of them dang fish biologists and I'll use his brains to tan the skin - he told the son.

The son did as he was told and soon returned with the prize. As it turned out, the brain wasn't large enough and the boy was upset as he would have to make another trip to harvest the other two biologist's brains.

- Look on the bright side, boy - the old man told him.

- Two more ought to be just enough. We'd have been in real trouble if they was BOTANISTS!

A group of goose biologists were meeting to brainstorm about the migration tactics of Canada geese. They were particularly interested in applying for a $100,000 Federal grant to investigate the "V" formation of goose flight. It had been observed that one side of the "V" is always longer than the other side.
This group would put together a research proposal to apply for the $100,000 grant and hopefully find out why this happens.

To start off the discussion, Todd, the Consulting Firm Biologist stands up and says in typical consultant fashion:

- I say we ask for $200,000, and attempt to model the wind drag coefficients. We can have our geologists record and map the ground topography and then our staff meteorologists can predict potential updraft currents. Our internal CAD department can then produce 3-d drawings of the predicted wing tip vortices.

- Then, after several years of study, our in-house publications department could produce a nice thick report full of charts and graphs.

The Senior Research Biologist, a professor at the local university, cleared his throat and responded:

- No, no!, That's not it at all. We only need $150,000. We can train a group of domesticated geese to fly in formations of equal length and then compare their relative fitness to wild geese. We can then publish the results in the Journal of Wildlife Management.

About then, the hardworking field biologist stands up and begins walking for the door.

- Where are you going? - the group asks.

- I'm leaving - he replies.

- I've heard enough. No one has to give me $100,000 to find out that the reason one side of the "V" is longer is simply because there are more damn geese on that side!

A biologist from the North Pole was showing a new recruit the ropes of a polar bear radio tracking program. The new recruit said:

- I know how the transmitters work, but I have one question--how do you catch the polar bears in the first place?

- I bet you use high-powered tranquilizer dart guns, right?

- Oh no! - the experienced biologist replied.

- we use an ancient Eskimo technique, developed centuries ago. First, we dig a huge hole in the ice. Next, we place a circle of green peas all the way around the hole.

- Then, we go hide behind some ice blocks and wait. Finally, when a polar bear comes up to take a pea, we kick him in the ice-hole!!!

There were these two Engineers who decided they would go moose hunting in the backwoods of British Columbia. As it happened, they lucked out and got a moose. Unfortunately, they were about a mile from their truck. They were having a tough time dragging the animal by the hind legs when a Wildlife Biologist happened upon them.

He said:

- You know, the hair follicles on a moose have a grain to them that causes the hair to lie toward the back.

- The way you are dragging that moose, it increases your coefficient of friction by a huge margin. If you grab it by the antlers and pull, you will find the work required to be quite minimal.

The Engineers thanked him and started dragging the moose by the antlers. After about an hour, one Engineer said:

- I can't believe how easy it is to move this moose this way. I sure am glad we ran across that Biologist.

- Yeah. - said the other.

- But we're getting further and further away from our truck.

A wildlife biologist is working in the woods, miles from the nearest town. He's camped alone with his dog and cat as his companions. Suddenly, an old gentleman carrying a small limp dog, franticly runs into his camp.

- Please, please help me! I think something has happened to Willie. Our Winnebago is parked just around the bend and we've seen you camped here. We didn't know what to do. We thought of you because we had seen all this scientific equipment laying around here. Can you help him?

- Sir, I'm not a vet, I'm a wildlife biologist - the young biologist told the worried man.

- Can you please just have a look at him, I'll pay you anything you need. I just need to know. If he's still alive, maybe I can rush him into town.

- Ok, put him here on the table.

The young biologist looks the limp dog over, but its plain that the dog is dead,, no pulse or signs of breathing.

- I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid poor Willie is dead.

- No, I can't believe that..... It can't be true...are you sure?

- Yes, I'm quite sure.

- I just can't believe that....

- With all this equipment, isn't there something you can do? I must be absolutely sure.

The biologist called his big yellow cat over to the table. The cat walked around the dead dog, occasionally sniffing at the carcass. He then looks up at the biologist and let out a few weak meows.

- Well, the cat say he's dead. Does that assure you?

- No, I need more than that...

- Do you have anything else?

The biologist calls over his big black dog.
The dog circles the body a few times, sniffing it every now and then. After a few moments, the dog barks at the biologist.

- Well, now the dog says he's dead. That's all I can do for you sir.

- OK, well I guess its true. I'll take him back and bury him...

- How much do I owe you?

- It'll be $650 bucks. - The biologist tells the old man.

- What?? - replied the old man.

- How can you charge that much??!!

- Well sir, I could have told you he was dead for only a dollar, but you're the one that insisted on the cat scan and the lab tests!