Newest jokes

What did the Loch Ness Monster say to his friend?
→ Long time no sea.

How can you tell when witches are carrying a time bomb?
→ You can hear their brooms tick!

A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city's major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.

- Yes?

- Excuse me, sir - the jogger said.

- Do you have the time?

The man looked at the car clock and answered:

- 8:15.

The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger.

- Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?

- 8:25!

The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying:

- I do not know the time!

Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.

- Sir, sir? It's 8:45!.

A blonde asked someone what time it was, and they told her it was 4:45. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied:

- You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer.

At three o'clock one morning a veterinary surgeon was woken from a deep sleep by the ringing of his telephone. He staggered downstairs and answered the phone. "I'm sorry if I woke you," said a voice at the other end of the line. "That's all right," said the vet, "I had to get up to answer the telephone anyway."

- Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a telephone.

- Doctor: Why's that?

- I keep getting calls in the night.

What do ghosts use to phone home?
→ A terror-phone.

What do you call an elephant in a phone box?
→ Stuck.

After my wife and her former best buddy, another Air Force wife, were separated by a move that posted one husband on the opposite coast, the telephone became their chief means of communication. When our phone bills showed astronomical increases, the other spouse and I sought relief. Since we both owned computers, we encourage our wives to use electronic mail.

Now they call on the phone to let each other know that e-mail was sent, then call back to confirm that it arrived and have a conversation about the contents!

A man coughed violently, and his false teeth shot across the room and smashed against the wall.

- Oh, dear - he said - whatever shall I do? I can't afford a new set.

- Don't worry - said his friend.

- I'll get a pair from my brother for you.

The next day the friend came back with the teeth, which fitted perfectly.

- This is wonderful - said the man.

- Your brother must be a very good dentist.

- Oh, he's not a dentist - replied the friend.

- he's an undertaker.