Newest jokes

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty.

He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say:

- Jesus is watching you!

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.

- Jesus is watching you - the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened.
Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot:

- Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?

- Yes - said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot:

- What's your name?

- Clarence - said the bird.

- That's a dumb name for a parrot - sneered the burglar.

- What idiot named you Clarence?

The parrot said:

- The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus.

Why did the rooster cross the road?
→ To get to the chick across the street!

What's a biologist's definition of a graph?
→ An animal with a long neck

Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?

A couple of biologists had twins.
One they called John and the other control.

How do you call a member of the financial staff of the faculty of Biology?
→ A Buy-ologist.

A bloke walks into a pub, and asks for a pint of Adenosinetriphosphate.
The barman says:

- That'll be 80p [ATP]!

An old mountain man in Arkansas was sick and bedridden. He had not been outdoors for a few weeks and had a sharp craving for a meal of wild squirrel. He summoned his half-idiot son into the room and instructed him to go squirrel hunting and bring him back a squirrel or two. He also told his son to be very careful not to shoot the squirrel in the head as he would need its brains later to "tan" the squirrel's pelt. (Tanning a skin using the animal's brains is a common practice in certain areas, it generally takes about one brain to tan one skin).

The idiot son spent most of the day searching the woods for tree squirrels, but was not having any luck. Finally, high up in a sweet-gum tree, he spotted a squirrel's head sticking out from a hole. He remembered his Pa's admonitions to save the brains. After deciding he may not have another chance, he shot it in the head, thus ruining the brains.

His sick Pa was upset:

- I can't tan that skin without no brains! - he said.

- Now what am I a gonna do?

Thinking quickly, he remembered that up on the river there were 3 fisheries biologists doing some field work.

- Well, we're only tanning one squirrel skin, walk up the river and shoot one of them dang fish biologists and I'll use his brains to tan the skin - he told the son.

The son did as he was told and soon returned with the prize. As it turned out, the brain wasn't large enough and the boy was upset as he would have to make another trip to harvest the other two biologist's brains.

- Look on the bright side, boy - the old man told him.

- Two more ought to be just enough. We'd have been in real trouble if they was BOTANISTS!

A biologist had been working on a remote research project in the Amazon jungle. Upon his return to the States, he came down with a terrible illness. After his health had deteriorated, his wife took him to a doctor who specialized in strange jungle diseases. The doctor gave him a complete examination and a series of tests. After receiving the results of the tests, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He told the young biologist's wife:

- Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.

- Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, and generally do anything he asks.

- Don't discuss your problems with him, as it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim.

- If you can do this for the next 10 months or so, I think your husband will regain his health completely. Otherwise.......well...

- He'll probably die

On the way home, the husband asked his wife:

- What did the doctor say?

She replied:

- Honey.....he says you're probably going to die.

A group of goose biologists were meeting to brainstorm about the migration tactics of Canada geese. They were particularly interested in applying for a $100,000 Federal grant to investigate the "V" formation of goose flight. It had been observed that one side of the "V" is always longer than the other side.
This group would put together a research proposal to apply for the $100,000 grant and hopefully find out why this happens.

To start off the discussion, Todd, the Consulting Firm Biologist stands up and says in typical consultant fashion:

- I say we ask for $200,000, and attempt to model the wind drag coefficients. We can have our geologists record and map the ground topography and then our staff meteorologists can predict potential updraft currents. Our internal CAD department can then produce 3-d drawings of the predicted wing tip vortices.

- Then, after several years of study, our in-house publications department could produce a nice thick report full of charts and graphs.

The Senior Research Biologist, a professor at the local university, cleared his throat and responded:

- No, no!, That's not it at all. We only need $150,000. We can train a group of domesticated geese to fly in formations of equal length and then compare their relative fitness to wild geese. We can then publish the results in the Journal of Wildlife Management.

About then, the hardworking field biologist stands up and begins walking for the door.

- Where are you going? - the group asks.

- I'm leaving - he replies.

- I've heard enough. No one has to give me $100,000 to find out that the reason one side of the "V" is longer is simply because there are more damn geese on that side!