- Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?
- Defendant: No, I did not.
- Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?
- Defendant: Yes, I do. And they're a hell of a lot better than the penalty for murder.
A prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman, to the stand. He approached her and asked:
- Mrs. Jones, do you know me?
She responded:
- Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked:
- Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?
She again replied:
- Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace:
- If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!
A young woman was appearing in court to face a public disorder charge. The charges were read out, and she was asked how she pleaded.
- Not guilty - the woman answered emphatically.
The prosecution council then approached the woman and said:
- Is it true that on the 11th of December, last year, you committed an act of gross indecency with a one-legged dwarf - who was waving a union jack - on the roof of a car, whilst travelling at over 100mph through the center of London, in a blizzard?
The woman composed herself, looked straight at the prosecution council and calmly said:
- What was the date again?
People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either being made.
- Judge: Is it true that you owe your neighbor a thousand dollars?
- Defendant: Yes, it's true.
- Judge: Then, why don't you just pay him back?
- Defendant: Because it wouldn't be true anymore.
The judge said to his dentist: "Pull my tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth."
The Judge asked the defendant:
- Mr. Jones, do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
- I do.
- Now what do you say to defend yourself?
- Your Honor, under those limitations... nothing.
How many editors does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ It was supposed to be in place last week!
How many publishers does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ Three. One to screw it in and two more to hold down the editor.
Who do you think was sent to cover the story of the baby lion born in the zoo?
→ A cub reporter.
