Newest jokes

Mr. Schneider stood up in court:

- As God is my judge, I do not owe my ex-wife any money.

Glaring down at him, the judge replied:

- He's not. I am. You do.

When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times."

How many judges does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Just one; he holds it still and the whole world revolves around him.
→ Just one, but two lawyers have to explain him how to do it.

Jury: Twelve men and women trying to decide which party has the best lawyer.

Justice: A decision in your favor.

- Judge: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

- Doctor: All my autopsies are on dead people.

- Judge: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?

- Witness: She is my daughter.

- Judge: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?

- Judge: You stated that the stairs went down to the basement, is that correct?

- Witness: Yes.

- Judge: And these same stairs, did the also go up?

- Judge: Your first marriage was terminated by death?

- Witness: Yes, by death.

- Judge: And by whose death was it terminated?

- Judge: Are you married?

- Witness: No, I'm divorced.

- Judge: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?

- Witness: A lot of things I didn't know about.

- Judge: All your responses to the questions must be oral. Do you understand?

- Witness: Yes

- Judge: What school did you attend in the fall of 1995?

- Witness: Oral.