Newest jokes

SIX PHASES OF THE MONTH IN NAVY RECRUITING

1. ENTHUSIASM
2. DISILUSIONMENT
3. PANIC
4. SEARCH FOR THE GUILTY
5. PUNISHMENT OF THE INNOCENT
6. PRAISE AND HONORS FOR THE NON-PARTICIPANTS

Why is a psychiatrist like a squirrel?
→ Because they are both surrounded by nuts.

What do you know when you see three rabbits walking down the street wearing tuxedos and top hats?
→ You know you need a psychiatrist!

- Doctor! Doctor! I think I'm going crazy. I have a carrot growing out of my ear.

- Amazing! So you have.

- How could that have happened?

- I can't understand it either, because I planted cabbage!

A woman entered a psychiatrist's consulting room leading a kangaroo.

- I'm worried about my husband, doctor - she said.

- He keeps thinking he's a kangaroo!

Did you hear about the auto mechanic who went to a psychiatrist and insisted on laying under the couch?

- Why did you charge me a group rate?

- You've got multiple personalities.

- Why are you so upset?

- My wife introduced me to her psychiatrist this morning.

- So what?

- So she said to him, 'Doctor, this is my husband. You know, one of the men I've been telling you about'.

- The trouble is, - said the entertainer to the psychiatrist, - that I can't sing, I can't dance, I can't tell jokes, I can't act, I can't play an instrument or juggle or do magic tricks or do anything!

- Then why don't you give up show business?

- I can't - I'm a star!

What happens if you tell a psychiatrist you are schizophrenic?
→ He charges you double.