Newest jokes

During the Mexican American War, an intense long standoff occurred along the front. For days and days neither side made any advances.

Finally, an American general had a bright idea. He aimed his rifle to the Mexican trenches and yelled:

- Hey, Juan!

A soldier jumped up and replied:

- What?

The general shot him dead.
This continued for three days.

A Mexican general decided that two could play this game and decided to try it out. He called out:

- Hey, John!

An American replied:

- John isn't here. Is that you Juan?

The Mexican general stood up:

- Yeah . . .

In the 1970's, before women were allowed to sign up for combat duty, a man was bragging to his friends about how his sister disguised herself as a man and was able to join the army.

- But, wait a minute - said one listener - She'll have to dress with the boys and shower with them too. Won't she?

- Sure - replied the man.

- Well, won't they find out? - asked his friend.

The man shrugged and replied:

- But who will tell?

A solider stationed in the South Pacific wrote to his wife in the States to please send him a harmonica to occupy his free time and keep his mind off of the local women. The wife complied and sent the best one she could find, along with several dozen lesson and music books.

Rotated back home, he rushed to their home and through the front door.

- Oh darling - he gushed - Come here. Let me look at you. Let me hold you! Let's have a fine dinner out, then make love all night. I've missed your lovin' so much.

The wife, keeping her distance, said:

- All in good time lover. First, let's hear you play that harmonica.

There were three American pilots captured by Germans in WWII. The Germans thought up a way to make the pilots crack and tell what they knew. They made them stand at attention, turn their heads from side to side and say:

- Tick - Tock over and over.

After about three hours, the first pilot cracked and started telling all he knew, signing everything they put in front of him.

An hour later, the second pilot cracked and started confessing to things that he didn't even do.

The third pilot was fighting hard not to crack. He was about half-way cracked. He was turning his head to one side only and saying:

- Tick... Tick... Tick...

The German officer in charge went up to him and said:

- You thinks you iss so schmart! But I'm telling you dot vee haf vays to make you TOCK!

As he was drilling a batch of recruits, the sergeant saw that one of them was marching out of step. Walking up next to the man as they marched, he said sarcastically:

- Do you know they are all out of step except you?

- What - asked the recruit innocently.

- I said -- they are all out of step except you! - thundered the sergeant.

The recruit replied:

- Well, sarge, you're in charge -- you tell them!

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say:

- That's not it and put it down again.

This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said:

- That's it.

A trio of old veterans were bragging about the heroic exploits of their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall.

- My great grandfather, at age 13 - one declared proudly - was a drummer boy at Shiloh.

- Mine - boasts another - went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn.

- I'm the only soldier in my family - confessed vet number three - but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world.

- Really? What'd he do? - his friends wanted to know.

- Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old.

While practicing auto-rotations during a military night training exercise, a Huey Cobra messes up and lands on its tail rotor.

The landing is so hard it breaks off the tail boom. However, the chopper fortunately remains upright on its skids, sliding down the runway, doing 360s.

As the Cobra slides past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks, this radio exchange takes place:

- Tower: Sir, do you need any assistance?

- Cobra: I don't know, Tower, we ain't done crashin' yet.

It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty. A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out:

- Sir, Good Evening, Sir!

The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said:

- Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?

Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied:

- Sir, Yes Sir!

The General continued:

- You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?

The Private didn't agree, but then the private was just a private, and responded:

- Sir, Yes Sir!

The General, pointing at the dog:

- This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train.

The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again, and said:

- Sir, Yes Sir!

The General continued:

- I got this dog for my wife.

The Private simply said:

- Good trade, Sir!

One Sunday morning, the priest noticed Little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the priest walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly:

- Good morning, Little Johnny.

- Good morning, Father - replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.

- Father Scott, what is this? - Little Johnny asked.

- Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Johnny's voice was barely audible when he asked:

- Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?