Newest jokes

The producer of a low budget film is trying to convince the newly hired director of the quality of the work by telling him the big names they've gotten for the cast.

- First of all - he tells him:

- We've got Gibson in the lead.

The director is surprised:

- You got Mel Gibson?

- Well, no - the Producer responds:

- we got Marvin Gibson, he's a distant cousin who lives in Queens, but he's very up and coming. And besides, we've also got Redford.

- You got Robert Redford? - the director asks.

- No, we got Jeremy Redford, but he's very talented and has lots of acting experience from years of dinner theater. But - he says enthusiastically:

- we've got Streisand and in a singing role.

- Barbara Streisand? - he asks.

- No, Elizabeth Streisand - The Producer responds.

- But she's got a great voice. AND we've got Goulet.

- You got Robert Goulet? - the director asks.

- Yeah - the producer replies glumly:

- we got Robert Goulet.

After a venerable career of endless, stellar successes the greatest director who ever lived is in his prime and preparing for his most ambitious project ever when he unexpectedly dies and is called home to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the gate.

- So sorry about your untimely death - he tells the director.

- But God himself has called you home. You see, God wants you to direct a movie for Him.

The great man is humbled:

- God wants ME to direct a film?

- Yes - St. Peter tells him.

- And we've arranged to have the best of everything made available to you. For example, the script is by William Shakespeare.

The director is stunned:

- An original screenplay by William Shakespeare?

- Yes - St. Peter assures him:

- And it's his greatest work ever.

- Wow! - says the Director, awe struck.

- Your Production Designer will be Michaelangelo. We've got Leonardo Da Vinci doing the sets, your musical score will be an original work by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and your cast includes a young Laurence Olivier and the greatest actors of all time in supporting roles.

The Director can't believe it.

- This is incredible - he says.

- This will be the greatest movie ever?

St. Peter kind of shuffles his feet.

- Well - he says.

- we do have one tiny little problem.

- Problem? - says the director.

- What kind of a problem?

St. Peter puts his arm around the director's shoulder:

- Ya see - he whispers.

- God's got this girlfriend...

After a difficult day a struggling actor returns to his neighborhood and is shocked to find a cadre of police and fire trucks surrounding the smoldering remains of his house.

Explaining who he was he asks:

- What happened?

- Well - one of the officer's says:

- It seems that your agent came by your house earlier today and while he was here he attacked your wife, assaulted your children, beat your dog and burned your house to the ground.

The actor is struck speechless, his jaw hanging open in disbelief...

- My agent came to my house?

After a difficult day a struggling actor returns to his neighborhood and is shocked to find a cadre of police and fire trucks surrounding the smoldering remains of his house.

Explaining who he was he asks:

- What happened?

- Well - one of the officer's says:

- It seems that your agent came by your house earlier today and while he was here he attacked your wife, assaulted your children, beat your dog and burned your house to the ground.

The actor is struck speechless, his jaw hanging open in disbelief...

- My agent came to my house?

How many screenwriters to make "Titanic" a good movie?
→ One more than they had.

How can you tell the dumbest actress working on a movie?
→ She's the one sleeping with the writer.

What did the Production Manager give his kids for Christmas?
→ Nothing. But he promised he'd make it up to them on the next one.

How many absurdist/surrealist comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ November.

How many fire safety guys dose it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ One -- but it's an 8 hour minimum.

How many UPM's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ None! If you'd just make it a day exterior we wouldn't be screwing around with all these damn light bulbs!