I knew this guy. He was a sound guy from Ireland.
He spoke to me one day and told me he was going to apply for a job.
He told me that he walked out because the guy asked me for my name and i said "Paddy Milligan". He said "How do you spell "Milligan"? he replied
Earlier this week I went to the funeral of the guy who invented the hokey pokey. It was a weird funeral. First they put his left leg in, then took his left leg out, they put his left leg in and they shaked it all about.
Then they put his right leg in and then his right leg out, they put his left leg in and they shook it all about, and so on and so forth until he was totally in
The EPA is conducting a $700,000 dollar study to see if Alaskan trees are polluting Oregon forests. You can tell Republicans are in power. "Pollution? It's those damn trees."
Jay Leno
An escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator temporarily out of order" sign, just "Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience."
Mitch Hedberg
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
Mitch Hedberg
Do you ever get the vuja day feeling? Not deja vu. This is vuja day: the strange feeling that none of this has ever happened before.
George Carlin
The IRS announced that obese Americans are entitled to certain tax breaks. Apparently, under the new rules, you're allowed to claim two or more chins as dependents.
Conan O'Brien
The IRS says they can't give back 80 million dollars in refunds because they don't have addresses for the taxpayers. Yeah, they can't find you when they owe YOU money.
Jay Leno
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
George Carlin
My HMO is terrible. They charge me for a self-examination.
It's a flat fee.
Wendy Liebman
