Newest jokes

A man and his alligator walk into a bar and the man asks, "Does this bar serve lawyers?"

"Of course we do," replied the bartender.

"Great," said the man, "I'd like a beer... and give me a lawyer for my gator."

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Are you sexually active?
→ No, I just lie there.

What is your date of birth?
→ July 15th.
What year?
→ Every year.

What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
→ Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
→ Yes.
And in what ways does it affect your memory?
→ I forget.
You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

How old is your son, the one living with you?
→ Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
How long has he lived with you?
→ Forty-five years.

What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
→ He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
And why did that upset you?
→ My name is Susan.

Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
→ We both do.
Voodoo?
→ We do.
You do?
→ Yes, voodoo.

Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
→ Did you actually pass the bar exam?

The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

Were you present when your picture was taken?

So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
→ Yes.
And what were you doing at that time?

She had three children, right?
→ Yes.
How many were boys?
→ None.
Were there any girls?

How was your first marriage terminated?
→ By death.
And by whose death was it terminated?

Can you describe the individual?
→ He was about medium height and had a beard.
Was this a male, or a female?

Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
→ No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
→ All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
→ Oral.

Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
→ The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
→ No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
→ No.
Did you check for blood pressure?
→ No.
Did you check for breathing?
→ No.
So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
→ No.
How can you be so sure, Doctor?
→ Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
→ Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

What are the four worst words you could hear during a round of golf?
→ It's still your turn!

What's the difference between a golfer and a fisherman?
→ When a golfer lies he doesn't have to bring anything home to prove it!

Amateur golfer: someone who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging and once again after swinging.
Oxymoron: an easy par three.
A hack: when your divot flies further than your ball.
Bad golfer: someone who can take strokes off his game only with an eraser.
Duffer: the only guy in the world who has an unplayable lie when he tees up.
Mexican hat dance: lots of spike marks around the hole.
In jail: deep in the trees with no shot out.
Worm burner: a shot going a long way on the ground.

Three duffers were out golfing with the club pro one day. The first duffer teed off and hit a dribbler about 60 yards. He turned to the pro and asked, "What did I do wrong?"

The pro replied, "Loft."

The next golfer teed off and duck hooked the ball into the woods. He asked the pro the same question.

The pro again answered, "Loft."

The third teed off and sliced into a pond. He too asked the pro, "What did I do wrong?"

Again, "Loft."

As they were walking down the fairway, the first duffer finally spoke up to the pro.

"All three of us hit completely different tee shots and yet when we asked you what we did wrong, you gave the same exact answer every time. So what does Loft mean?"

The pro shook his head and said, "Lack of Friggin' Talent!"

Did you hear about the local country club that was determined to be politically correct?

Instead of saying the golfers have handicaps, they say they're stroke-challenged!

Two Men were leaving church on a bright Sunday morning. "You know," said the first friend, "I can always tell who the golfers are in church."

"How's that?" asked his friend.

"It's easy," he said. "Just look at who is praying with an interlocking grip."

A girl from Oklahoma and a girl from Wisconsin were seated side by side on a plane.

The girl from Oklahoma, being friendly and all said, "So, where y'all from?" The Wisconsin girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence." The girl from Oklahoma sat quietly for a few moments and then replied, "So, where y'all from, bitch?"

You're so stupid that when police tell you that you broke the speed limit, you offer to fix it.