Newest jokes

Not that my wife's the jealous type or anything, but one day at work, I had taken this temp who was filling in for my secretary to lunch in gratitude for an outstanding job on a very difficult project. As luck would have it, there was my wife waiting in the office for my return. The temp, who was truly a ravishing beauty said, "Oh, Mrs. Moore, I'm so happy to meet you. I'm your husband's new secretary."

Within a single heart beat my wife quietly intoned, "OH ? Really ? Were you ???"

After applying some simple algebra to some trite phrases and cliches a new understanding can be reached of the secret to wealth and success.

Here it goes.
Knowledge is Power
Time is Money and as every engineer knows,
Power is Work over Time.

So, substituting algebraic equations for these time worn bits of wisdom, we get:
K = P (1)
T = M (2)
P = W/T (3)

Now, do a few simple substitutions:
Put W/T in for P in equation (1), which yields:
K = W/T (4)
Put M in for T into equation (4), which yields:
K = W/M (5).

Now we've got something. Expanding back into English, we get:
Knowledge equals Work over Money.

What this MEANS is that:

1. The More You Know, the More Work You Do, and
2. The More You Know, the Less Money You Make.

Solving for Money, we get:
M = W/K (6)
Money equals Work Over Knowledge.

From equation (6) we see that Money approaches infinity as Knowledge approaches 0, regardless of the Work done.

What THIS MEANS is:
The More you Make, the Less you Know.

Solving for Work, we get
W = M K (7)
Work equals Money times Knowledge
From equation (7) we see that Work approaches 0 as Knowledge approaches 0.

What THIS MEANS is:
The stupid rich do little or no work.

Working out the socioeconomic implications of this breakthrough is left as an exercise for the reader.

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

The contemplative routine of the convent was being disrupted by the presence of workmen converting the electrical service from overhead lines to buried cable. Mother Superior called the electric company's complaint department to ask for help.

"The profanity these men use constantly is unsuitable for our community. You must make them stop cursing so much.", said the nun.

"Very well, sister. But you must make allowances for their habits. Even when they are trying to be tactful, they will still tend to call a spade a spade.", said the company spokeswoman.

Mother superior then observed, "I think the term they actually use is 'fucking shovel'".

In the Beginning was The Plan
And then came the Assumptions
And the Assumptions were without form
And the Plan was completely without substance
And the darkness was upon the face of the Workers
And the Workers spoke amongst themselves, saying "It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh."

And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and sayeth, "It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odor thereof."

And the Supervisors went unto their Managers and sayeth unto them, "It is a container of excrement and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."

And the Managers went unto their Directors and sayeth, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."

And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying one to another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."

And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents and sayeth unto them, "It promotes growth and is very powerful."

And the Vice Presidents went unto the President and sayeth unto him, "This new Plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of this Company, and in these Areas in particular."

And the President looked upon The Plan,
And saw that it was good, and The Plan became Policy.

And this is how Shit Happens.

Ever wonder what to do when those rejection letters start piling up? Well here's a suggestion:

[Date Today]

Dear Mr. Kennelly:

Thank you for your letter of April 17. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite Acme Inc.'s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.

Sincerely,
[Your name here]

A man was being interviewed for a job. "Were you in the service?" ask the interviewer.

"Yes, I was a marine," responded the applicant.

"Did you see any active duty?"

"I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability."

"May I ask what happened?"

"Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles."

"You're hired. You can start Monday at 10 am."

"When does everyone else start? I don't want any preferential treatment because of my disability."

"Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first."

So my sister, a natural blond graduating from the University of North Carolina Law School, is job hunting. I suggested that since Microsoft is building up their legal team, she should send them a resume and become a southern blond Microsoft lawyer -- and be the butt of any joke on the internet.

GROSS PAY: $1222.02

• INCOME TAX: 244.40
• OUTGO TAX: 45.21
• STATE TAX: 61.10
• INTERSTATE TAX: 5.89
• COUNTY TAX: 6.11
• CITY TAX: 12.22
• RURAL TAX: 4.44
• BACK TAX: 1.11
• FRONT TAX: 1.16
• SIDE TAX: 1.61
• UP TAX: 2.22
• DOWN TAX: 1.11
• KNICKNACK TAX: 1.98
• HACKENSAC TAX: 3.93
• THUMBTAX: 0.98
• CARPET TAX: 0.69
• SNACK TAX: 8.32
• SURTAX: 3.46
• MA'AM TAX: 3.46
• PARKING FEE: 5.00
• NO PARKING FEE: 10.00
• F.I.C.A.: 81.88
• T.G.I.F.: 9.95
• LIFE INS.: 5.85
• HEALTH INS.: 16.23
• DISABILITY INS.: 2.50
• ABILITY INS.: 0.25
• LIABILITY INS.: 3.41
• DENTAL INS.: 4.50
• MENTAL INS.: 4.33
• FUNDAMENTAL INS: 0.11
• COFFEE: 6.85
• COFEE CUPS: 66.51
• CALENDAR RENTAL: 3.06
• FLOOR RENTAL: 16.85
• CHAIR RENTAL: 4.32
• DESK RENTAL: 4.32
• UNION DUES: 5.85
• UNION DON'TS: 3.77
• CASH ADVANCES: 0.69
• CASH RETREATS: 121.35
• OVERTIME: 1.26
• UNDERTIME: 54.83
• EASTERN TIME: 9.00
• CENTRAL TIME: 8.00
• MOUNTAIN TIME: 7.00
• PACIFIC TIME: 6.00
• DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: 4.44
• TIME OUT: 12.21
• OXYGEN: 10.02
• WATER: 16.54
• ELECTRICITY: 38.23
• HEAT: 51.42
• AIR CONDITIONING: 46.83
• MISC: 169.24

TAKE HOME PAY: $0000.02

- Job Applicant: I'm looking for a job as a consultant.

- Employer: I'm sorry, we already have enough consultants.

- Applicant: That's ok, with my experience, I can be an advisor.

- Employer: More than we can use already.

- Applicant: As he is getting desperate, "I'm not proud, I can do paperwork, I'll be a clerk, If you have too many, I'll start as a janitor."

- Employer: It just doesn't seem that we have any openings for a person with your qualifications.

- Applicant: As he stands up and angrily yells, "work for you I'd have to be a low life, belly crawling, double dealing jerk!"

- Employer: Well, you didn't say you were an attorney, have a seat, we may have an opening.